tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-55526525316759302332024-03-13T00:39:25.890-04:00Frenetic PaceAttempting to figure it out...results to followAshlee Lanehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06242462474308686708noreply@blogger.comBlogger21125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5552652531675930233.post-69157943784375622112012-02-03T16:04:00.002-05:002012-02-03T16:08:12.120-05:00Future New York Times Bestsellers<p class="MsoNormal"><span >Here are a few books that, given a contract and enough money, I could easily write, as I have material just pouring out of my ears:</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span ><br /></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><b><span>Don’t Get Sick...or Hurt…or Have Bad Eye Sight: One girl’s guide to living carefully for those people who will never have a job that provides health insurance.<o:p></o:p></span></b></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><b><span>The Decline and Fall of a Promising American Mind<o:p></o:p></span></b></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><b><span>101 Ways to Sacrifice for Your Child so She Can End up Working in a Factory Anyway<o:p></o:p></span></b></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><b><span>Oh! The Place You WON’T Go… A List of Jobs You Will Never Get with Your Communications Degree<o:p></o:p></span></b></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><b><span>Confessions of a Broke Chick: the non-fiction version of Confessions of a Shopaholic, but less funny, without the Prada bags, and there’s no fulfilling career by the last chapter<o:p></o:p></span></b></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><b><span>You Chose Poorly: one woman’s discovery that burning yourself out in law school would still be preferable to seriously considering selling an ovum for money<o:p></o:p></span></b></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><b><span>Secrets of Living Cheaply: ordering more bread right before you leave a restaurant, stealing mini coffee creamers for later use, and other sneaky tips<o:p></o:p></span></b></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><b><span>Eat. Pray. Write a Few Bad Checks.<o:p></o:p></span></b></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><b><span>How to Not Succeed in Business While Trying Pretty Hard<o:p></o:p></span></b></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><b><span>Graduation Day: the Yoko Ono of the Best Days of My Life<o:p></o:p></span></b></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><b><span>I Did My Best …and other lies I tell myself to help me sleep at night<o:p></o:p></span></b></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span><b>8 Things your Parents Taught You to Help You Succeed, 2<sup>nd</sup> ed. </b>Now with new content! “The Dire Consequences of forgetting/ignoring those lessons</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><b><span>I Blame the Economy: things to say to make you appear less pathetic at social gatherings<o:p></o:p></span></b></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><b><span>Top 10 Tops that Don’t Utilize Your Degree<o:p></o:p></span></b></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><b><span>I Graduated Summa Cum Laude! …and no one cares<o:p></o:p></span></b></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><b><span>Shut Your Mouth: politics, my virginity, and other taboo workplace topics<o:p></o:p></span></b></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><b><span>But I Want Pretty Things! How a well-educated middle-class woman found herself $1200 in debt<o:p></o:p></span></b></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><b><span>My Car Hates Me: rattles, scraping sounds and weird odors that indicate you are horrible at choosing reliable transportation<o:p></o:p></span></b></p><p class="MsoNormal"><b><span><br /></span></b></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span >Now HERE is a list of books that, no matter how badly I might want to, or how well they would sell, I would be unable to write:</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span ><br /></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><b><span>How to Find Your Soulmate in College<o:p></o:p></span></b></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><b><span>Picking a Major: growing job markets and fields of study<o:p></o:p></span></b></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><b><span>Budgeting for Dummies<o:p></o:p></span></b></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><b><span>Being Skinny is Hard Too!<o:p></o:p></span></b></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><b><span>Who Needs Toilet Paper? 20 Secrets to Living Well on a Budget<o:p></o:p></span></b></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><b><span>Genie in a Bottle: my career as Christina Aguilera’s back-up dancer<o:p></o:p></span></b></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><b><span>Fly Me to the Moon: how to snag a rocket scientist husband<o:p></o:p></span></b></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><b><span>3.97: why my college GPA made all the difference</span><o:p></o:p></b></p>Ashlee Lanehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06242462474308686708noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5552652531675930233.post-68085127736045302322011-10-11T13:42:00.003-04:002011-10-11T13:50:34.715-04:00Lessons from a newly-minted functioning member of society<p class="MsoNormal">Guys, guess what??<span> </span>I finally became an adult!<span> </span>No, that does not mean I got busted for a crime, had a surprise pregnancy or sat all the way through The English Patient without falling asleep or killing myself.<span> </span>What it means INSTEAD is that I finally moved out of my parents’ house and got my own apartment…all me, just me.<span> </span>Not even a pet.<span> </span>‘Cause I don’t have $300 plus $20 extra a month to be tacked onto my rent to own a cat.<span> </span>I mean, ‘cause I’m a lone wolf…aaawwOOOOoooo…<span> </span>Ahem…anyway.</p> <p class="MsoNormal">So I’ve compiled a list of things I have learned since striking out on my own.<span> </span>You could say that with great responsibility has come great wisdom.<span> </span>But then you’d be terribly misquoting the <i>Spiderman</i> line, so you should probably just say that this had better be good, Ashlee, because you haven’t posted anything in approximately a hugezillion years and I’ve forgotten all about this blog so you’re going to have to coax me back with this ONE POST.<span> </span>No pressure.<span> </span>And we’re off!</p><p class="MsoNormal"></p><ol><li>Seeing as how the closest I’ve ever come to living alone was having a very introverted homeowner allow me to crash at her house in the summer of 2010, and seeing as how she already had pretty much anything I could need as far as housewares go, I figured out very quickly for myself that THIS CRAP IS EXPENSIVE.<span> </span>I waited this long to move out so I could get “the best” of everything and not have to have hand-me-downs, and I’ve gone through about $3200 in groceries, dish sets, a mattress, a couch, a dining set, living room tables, a TV, a TV stand, lamps, blankets, rugs, cleaning supplies, baking sheets, pans, Tupperware, towels, sheets, and toilet paper.<span> </span>And that’s AFTER my mom was awesome and spent an exorbitant—albeit generous—amount of money in helping me.<span> </span>I started from scratch and IT HURT.<br /><br /></li><li>The following movies are banned from your list of things you can watch once you’re living on your own: <i>Taken, Silence of the Lambs, Cellular, Enough, What Lies Beneath, Ransom, Firewall, Panic Room</i> (because you will not have one), any other movie where women are attacked or abducted…and <i>From Justin to Kelly</i>…just ‘cause it was reeeeally bad.<span> </span>Even if you live in an incredibly safe complex where the parking is all full when you get home at one in the morning because people are in bed and not making meth in their kitchen, you haven’t heard a gunshot (you’re pretty sure) since you moved in, no one has keyed your car after you got the best parking space and it was pouring rain, and the guys on the 3<sup>rd</sup> floor balcony stopped staring you down after a mere 14 times of you walking in from your vehicle, you will still gain a new sense of terror at being a single girl in a big apartment without even a guard-gerbil. (little known fact: gerbils are excellent watch-animals.<span> </span>And I DON’T EVEN HAVE ONE.<span> </span>Yeah, they were used in WWII to guard the Nazi work camps at night…totally 100% verified.<span> </span>*finishes Wikipedia page to back up made-up fact*) Aaaand we’re back.<span> </span>Living in a safe apartment building filled with nice Hispanic families and couples quietly shacking up together will not stop you from locking your door in between each trip back out to your car to get all of your grocery bags, or almost severing your arm in an attempt to grab your keys out of the lock and shut the door before someone in the completely deserted hallway forces their way in behind you and turns you into a Lifetime movie-of-the-month.<br /><br /></li><li>You might develop a slight case of paranoia…which is not paranoia if it’s totally justified.<br /><br /></li><li>Things look a little different when you’re paying for everything.<span> </span>You lose a lot of weight because you don’t want to open the fridge and waste electricity.<span> </span>You will leave your iPod plugged in or run your sound machine all night but you rethink running the microwave…does a hot dog REALLY need to be cooked all the way through?<span> </span>You debate whether you really need to go to the bathroom after dark.<span> </span>And it turns out you can do a lot of everyday things without the lights on.<span> </span>Who needs light to wash dishes, straighten hair, put on makeup, or read?<span> </span>Old people are very jealous of this talent.<span> </span>“You’ve got such young eyes,” they say.<span> </span>Thank you, Grandma.<span> </span>Yes I do.<span> </span>And now that I’ve finished <u>Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix</u> using only the glow of my alarm clock for light, I only need to squint a LITTLE to see road signs in broad daylight.<span> </span>Also, you find that cable and Internet get too much credit.<span> </span>Internet?<span> </span>That’s what Panera Bread is for!<span> </span>Who needs to update Facebook more than once a week?<span> </span>It’s not like you have tons of news after moving into a new place or anything.<span> </span>It’s FUN to have 57 notifications every time you log on.<span> </span>These are the lies you will tell yourself to keep from taking a knife to your throat.<span> </span>…Although it probably wouldn’t be a successful suicide, what with the lights off.<br /><br /></li><li>You discover whether you are ACTUALLY a slob or if, deep down and too scared of the piles of clothes to come out of hiding, you have a semi-competent housekeeper inside you.<span> </span>This will be revealed the first time you make a meal (I use the term “meal” very loosely, as it really should read “grilled cheese, strawberry Jell-O, a Poptart, and a tumbler of cheap white wine”).<span> </span>You will either leave the skillet on the stove and the spatula-flipper-thingy in the sink, or you will have an epiphany.<span> </span>“If I don’t clean up my shiz-nit [paraphrase], no one else is going to.”<span> </span>No one is going to yell at you to wash your brownie pan but then begrudgingly do it anyway because it’s taking up her whole sink and even though she raised you better than that she’s a longsuffering mother and wife.<span> </span>Nope, that’s you now…only without the wife or mother part...and you’re not really suffering either.<span> </span>Point is, you’re now the vacuumer, toilet cleaner, laundry folder, and brownie-pan-washer.<span> </span>Lucky you.<span> </span>You can either rise to the challenge and enjoy the fact that Mommy doesn’t hold your hand anymore, or you can become one of those people on Hoarders that thought the scuttling under your mountain of five-year-old newspapers and used Kleenex’s was probably just the cat you lost six years ago…until the cleaners find that cat flattened under your bed/table/couch/toilet.<span> </span>For the record, I rose to the occasion, even BEFORE I ate my meal…because even without cable, that wretched show sticks with you.<span> </span>Bleck.<br /><br /></li><li>There are about a million and six ways of preparing an egg, and all of them are fast, cheap, easy (except for Eggs Benedict—Hollandaise, are you kidding me right now?), and pretty much taste all exactly the same, so you’re really just changing the shape and texture of the egg to tell your brain that your diet is full of variety and so that, if asked, you can cook “a whole bunch of things.”<span> </span>Also, grilled cheese and soup is highly underrated.<span> </span>You can eat these every day, even if you didn’t just come in from making a fort on a snow-day.<span> </span>Go ahead, cut the crusts off and slice it into quarters.<span> </span>Your guard-gerbil will not judge you.<br /><br /></li><li>If at all possible, find a place that has something amazing called “radiant heat.”<span> </span>…I think that’s the name.<span> </span>All that the feeble-minded women like myself need to know about this is that it means there are no vents in the ceiling or the floor for heat.<span> </span>There are pipes in the floor instead, which is great.<span> </span>You can’t hear anything from your upstairs neighbor except occasional footsteps.<span> </span>There’s no blaring music, no crying kids, no sounds of people doing the no-pants dance, no trumpet practice, no screaming at people halfway around the globe because your Marine unit got blown up by some Latvians while you were trying to get supplies from a tank…er…supply transport…yeah I’m pretty ignorant of these military video game things…so…WMD’s, Desert Storm, Panzers, and, uh…OO-RAH.<span> </span>Anyway, point being that it’s blessedly quiet because there are no vents anywhere. Although maybe the vents have nothing to do with it and my upstairs neighbor is just very quiet because he’s breeding cockroaches to put into the ears of his victims after he carves lines from The Iliad into their backs to lead the FBI on a wild chase until he finishes his twisted mission from the devil and uses me as his final work of sick art.<span> </span>…See bullet point #3.<span> </span>So, yeah, the radiant heat thing is nice.<br /><br /></li><li>When you go grocery shopping (as you really should do, since eggs are great but even they need to be replenished, and it’s hard to take them in to work every day), you will probably go a little crazy buying all your favorite things, because YOU FINALLY CAN!<span> </span>You can buy Pop-Tarts and Count Chocula cereal and bacon and perogies and Jell-O and cheese…so much cheese.<span> </span>You will quickly discover, however, that you probably shouldn’t binge on all these things in the first few days, because once all your favorite things are GONE, you don’t have the fallback plan of your mother’s crappy health food that is at least better than nothing.<span> </span>You just have nothing.<span> </span>So, if you don’t want to find a new thing that you have to restock every other day, probably go a little easy on the “I can buy any food I want and eat as much as I want at all hours of the day” approach.<span> </span>A 2<sup>nd</sup> shift job is a great way to make sure this happens.<span> </span>I get off work at 12:30am, so I might have a small snack at home while winding down with The Office reruns, then I go to bed at 3am, get up at noon, eat a real meal (cereal, toast and orange juice—yes, my noontime meal is breakfast; don’t judge), go to work at 2:30—where I can’t snack because my college degree has apparently given me just enough skill and experience to work in a factory—and I get a 20-minute lunch break which is just enough time to scarf down a Lean Cuisine or some Mac n’ Cheese (surprisingly not that bad for you in the normal serving size...which is not a whole box, unfortunately).<span> </span>So on a good day where I get all the meals I am physically able to get, I eat two meals-ish.<span> </span>Not square meals, not fancy, and not deliciously greasy.<span> </span>In this way, you don’t go through many groceries and you actually stop resembling a sausage still wrapped in its casing.<span> </span>…Aaaand now I’m adding sausage to the grocery list.</li></ol><p></p>Ashlee Lanehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06242462474308686708noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5552652531675930233.post-38582319678267664802011-01-24T14:45:00.008-05:002011-02-25T01:11:08.607-05:00Things I will not be telling my kids if I ever want them to believe I'm coolEmbarrassing moments. Like farts, we all have them; some people have no problem talking about them, and others are a bit more private about them. I keep my farts a secret, but I WILL tell you some of my most embarrassing moments. How's THAT for an A+ introduction?!? My high school English professor might have written next to this, "Crude, but effective." Thaaaat's me!<div><br /></div><div>My freshman year of college, I stayed out past curfew (that's right, curfew at college) so I could stay late after a concert and hang out with the band. They were from my school anyway, but they were still Indie rock stars (in my eyes) and therefore infinitely cool. We went to the equally infinitely cool but also very classy International House of Pancakes, because even in the "big city" that's the only thing open past 11. I have said on this blog before that I learn all my humor from funnier people, and that was especially true my freshman year. I hadn't quite learned the subtle art of stealing STYLE of humor...no, I preferred the easier method of directly quoting lesser-known comedians without credit. People assumed it was my material, and I gladly let them. I tended to be overshadowed by my even more outgoing and much funnier friends, so any leg-up I could get was incredibly helpful. We sat across from the lead singer, a very gangly, redheaded, quiet, inexplicably-godlike guy who could sing the ugly off a Klingon woman. Yeah, that good. Seriously, if you see a picture you won't get it, but somehow he's really hot. So I decided now would be a fantastic time to show off my totally original comedy. I said, "But really, I don't get why they call it 'IHOP.' I never leave here feeling like hopping. Shouldn't they call it, 'I...barely move' or 'I...need a wheelbarrow'?" And I got a really good laugh out of it from friends and band members alike. Then Corey softly, almost hesitantly, chimes in with, "Didn't a comedian say that?" Tennis-match style, everyone swivels to look at me. "Uh...yeah," I croak. "It was Jim Gaffigan. Thanks, Corey." Then I proceeded to turn 6 shades of red and get a flash of my future, filled with disappointment and disillusionment as a humorist. CBFF Christi still tells that story to anyone who starts to think I'm sort of funny...or anyone who will listen to her if I start to think I might be funny.</div><div><br /></div><div>I currently sell furniture at a major company in Michigan. One day I was showing a man a bedroom set for his spare room, and he asked me to figure out the price on the whole group, but he wasn't going to buy it that day. If we know they're not going to buy that day we have to get a second person to try to convince them to buy it then, or at least to give them two people's names to hopefully remember when (if) they come back in. So I got an older man named Bill who has been there about twenty years. Bill chatted him up for a bit while I got the prices written down on my card, and I put Bill's name on the card as well. I handed it to the man, showed him both our names for when he came back, and he said, "Could you write down some identifiers too?" Confused, I said, "Sure," and took the card back. I looked at it for a second and next to Bill's name I wrote, "Older man w/ glasses" and next to my name I wrote, "Young, dark hair" and showed him what I'd written. He looked at it straight-faced and said, "That's great. ...Could you also write down what the furniture looks like?"</div><div><br /></div><div>We had a male gym teacher in high school who also taught Bible classes, history classes, coached soccer (JV and Varsity, both the boys' and the girls' teams), and was married to the Physics/Chemistry/Earth Science teacher/volleyball coach. Yeah, it was a small school. Seniors babysat their kid in the halls during their afternoon classes. His favorite thing to do was have us play indoor soccer. It didn't take much organization, we all knew the rules, he could sit in the corner and watch videos of the boys' games, and his girls could practice for spring season. I had discovered the awesome and oh-so-cool tearaway pants, and since they were PANTS I didn't see a reason to wear shorts under them. That's just begging to sweat through your underwear and get some serious swass* that you'd have to deal with for the rest of the school-day. BFF Cori told me on a few occasions that I should wear shorts, but I would not. I was going to march to the beat of my own drum, be a unique butterfly that intimidated people and that's why I never got asked out, and other cliches my mom told me during the 9.7 years I was in my awkward stage. While playing indoor soccer one day, I ran after the ball (which meant all eyes were on me), and hooked my thumb between two of the snaps accidentally, thereby revealing to everyone the utility and efficiency of tearaway pants...and also my underwear. I instantly collapsed like a rag doll, desperately trying to reattach a few of the snaps and possibly disappear into the floor as well. Unsure whether to laugh or cry hysterically, I settled for shaky laughter and misty eyes. Unfortunately, our teacher occasionally looked up from his soccer tapes and chose those few minutes as a good time to check in on our game. We didn't make eye contact for a week.</div><div><br /></div><div>*Update: I realize I never explained "swass." This is what my coworker Tom affectionately calls "swamp ass," or the point in the day when you're sweating enough that your damp underwear begins to chafe your buttocks. And it's very uncomfortable. And apparently he gets it a lot at work. Because he sweats like my mom during a hot flash.</div>Ashlee Lanehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06242462474308686708noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5552652531675930233.post-67695075594018907942010-12-23T01:29:00.003-05:002010-12-23T01:57:28.257-05:00New Kind of Post...OK, so I'm sorry to inform you of this but...I've been drinking tonight. GASP yes I drink sometimes. Seriously not very often. Like BARELY ever. What are you, my mother? I'm old enoough, get off it!<br /><br />It's a good thing I'm very careful about my spelling/grammar...you might never know I've been drinking except for my random thought-jumps. Yes, that's an awesome new word I just made up. Thought-jumps. Use it...but give me credit or you'll owe me $3 every time you say it. Yes, I've definitely copyrighted that word just now. No, not kidding. <br /><br />OK, yes, I was kidding just then.<br /><br />Wanna hear a funny story? Too bad, you're going to hear my story instead. (haha...self-deprecating humor joke) Anyway, so last night I came home from work with my name-tag on because my job is one of those awesome ones where you have to wear a name-tag and someone who barely graduated high school could get my job and I'm not sure why I work there because I graduated college with a 3.95. Uhhhhh, anyway, I was still wearing my name-tag when I got home, so I thought, "OK put it in your coat because you would NEVER go without your coat at this time of year, so you'll definitely bring your coat to work with you tomorrow, and you'll thusly have your badge tomorrow." (Thusly: a very awesome old-English word like THUS but cooler because everything's cooler when you add an -ly) It was a foolproof plan. FOOLPROOF I TELL YOU. ...So I got dressed today and wore a sweater-coat and THUSLY (again, awesome) did NOT wear my coat. WHAT are the odds? Crazy, man. Life is crazy.<br /><br />Just as randomly, I made a new best friend. Don't tell Cori or Christi. Her name is Katie. (something about that "K" sound, apparently I love friends with a "K" sounding name) Anyway, she's my best-work-buddy-Tom's girlfriend, and I love her. That's not just the alcohol. She's super sweet and funny and best of all she thinks I'M FUNNY which gives her like a gazillion points in the "Points towards becoming Ashlee's new BFF" category...which is really the only category in life that matters at all. Besides salvation. ...Where did THAT come from? And salvation isn't a point system at all! ...See where this thought-jump thing became an awesome word to copyright? Genius. Point of the story (cuz even I lost interest in it): I love her and will keep her forever.<br /><br />I also replied to an eharmony.com message in this inebriated state. GASP yes I am on eharmony. As of like 2 weeks ago. OK, the thing is, it's like my friend Alex and her love of peanut butter on pizza, I couldn't KNOW it was awful until I tried it (the pizza, that is). Then I did and guess what? it was WRETCHED. But I didn't know until I tried it. Same thing of online dating. Don't hate until you have tried it. YES it's super lame. NO I don't think it's the only way I could ever find someone who "completes me." MAYBE I think Mr. Right's on there. Whatever, that's unimportant...this blog isn't about me. WHO AM I KIDDING of course it is! Anyway, I replied to a guy that I don't really like, so I don't really care if I'm slightly sloshed when I reply to him.<br /><br />OK, this is not the comedic gold that I try so hard to put on here every time I post something new, but I felt bad about not posting in a little while. I hope all 3.5 of my viewers enjoy this, and I'll try to post something that I've legitimately thought out very soon. Thanks all!<br /><br />God bless us, every one!!! (Tiny Tim???...where did that COME FROM?? This Christmas spirit thing is really getting to me, and it's annoying...)Ashlee Lanehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06242462474308686708noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5552652531675930233.post-40735968044104665022010-11-30T23:18:00.003-05:002011-01-26T00:16:02.736-05:00Warning: Leaving PC Area; Enter at Own Risk<p class="MsoNormal">I apologize to all my die-hard fans that have been on the verge of suicide without an update from me for the past (few?) month(s).<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>So sorry.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>I’ve been working about 50 hours a week making a pittance selling furniture to the cheapest people on earth.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Nope, not Jews.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Old Dutch people.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>No, seriously, those Holocaust survivors have nothing on Hollanders.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>They come in driving brand new Buicks but want me to cut them a deal on a $100 ottoman.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>I could make a fortune if my boss gave me $5 every time I ask someone how they’re doing and they tell me they’re “just looking.”<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>One of my favorite lines (yes, that means this has happened more than once) is when they want me to show them the $88 mattresses and I tell them I wouldn’t put a dog on those, but show them anyway.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>They see it, feel the metal springs through the 1/8 inch thick padding and say, “Well, it’s just for my daughter.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>She’s only 8.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>It’ll be fine.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>And delivery’s free, right?”<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Really?<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>If you’re going to buy this POS mattress for your kid and you DON’T want to spend as much on delivery as you did on that mattress, I think you can fold down the seats of your Escalade and just find a way to git ‘er done, you cheap son of a –<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Anyway.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Even the Asian people know how to blow me off.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>When they’re not trying to get me to pay their sales tax, give them free delivery and throw in a couch for 20 bucks, they give me the same “just looking” as everyone else…except that they’re more like “just rooking”.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Oh, sure, they just nod, smile and act like they don’t understand English when I explain to them that if I give more than $200 off a $500 chair I'll make about 27 cents, but they sure know “just rooking.”<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Is that the first thing they teach them in ESL class?<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>After “free derivery?” and “no, is too much, we go Big Rots instead” of course.</p> <p class="MsoNormal">This is shaping up to be a very racist post.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>First the Jews and now the Asians.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Is there a major people group I have NOT offended?<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>I’m sure I can fit them in here somewhere.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Oh…yeah…I found them.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> I knew I was missing a large, dark part of the population. </span>But I can’t.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>I’ll tell a short anecdote of someone ELSE’S un-PC-ness instead. (**Did anyone else say "PC-ness" out loud and hear "penis"? Was that just me? OK, yes, I'm a 12-year-old boy laughs when someone says "pianist"...anyway...) My boss this summer (not the cool young one but the ignorant older woman) was in a meeting with some very…diverse…members of the Fort Wayne community and kept saying “Afro-Americans.”<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>My cool boss was mortified.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>He thought he was going to get shot. When he related it to me, of course I laughed heartily at his uncomfortable expense.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Also, one of my co-workers asked me the last name of this black guy who works next door to us, and my friend Tom said he was pretty sure his last name was “Blackman.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Brian D. Blackman.”<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>AAAAND…she believed him.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>She probably would have called him Mr. Blackman if we hadn’t set her straight. (For any slow readers/auditory learners out there, say "Brian...D. Blackman" out loud...a few more times...you'll get it eventually.)</p> <p class="MsoNormal">…And don’t get me started on the Mexicans!!<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Sorry, I had to.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>I actually have nothing bad to say about them.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>They might not be here legally, but they pay with cash and they don’t typically come back to complain.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>However, we have ONE Hispanic woman that works at our store, and I’ve tried not to stereotype and joke that every Hispanic person that comes through the door knows her, BUT THEY DO.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Even if they don’t ask for her the second I greet them, I work with them for 5 minutes and they ALL—WITHOUT EXCEPTION—ask, “Does Maria work today?”<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>I’d also make a ton of money if my bosses paid me $5 every time THAT happens.</p> <p class="MsoNormal">Tom and I were the “lucky” ones who got to walk in the Holland Parade of Lights behind the store truck tonight, and I decided to make the most of it and pass out my business cards; I even did Tom a favor and wrote his name on them.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>But then TOM (who, by the way, typically has no qualms about making a fool out of himself) got really embarrassed when I went into the crowd and asked if anyone needed a mattress or a sofa!!<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>It’s called networking!?<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>I was singing along with the Christmas carols and dancing with Jingle Bell Rock, so clearly they would rather work with me than a creepy old man who watches them lie on a mattress for 20 minutes.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>If those people come back in with my card and I split half the deal with Tom, he’s not going to be so embarrassed, is he?<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Eh, he probably will be anyway.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>But he’ll still be spending that commission check, regardless of how embarrassed he was at the way I got them to come to the store, won’t he?<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>How very “Tale of the Little Red Hen” of him…or…some other fable that accurately mirrors this real-life story.</p> <p class="MsoNormal">In other news, this week is the busiest my social life has been in like…a month.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Dinner with family tonight, out to the brewery wearing ugly Christmas sweaters with Tom and my new/his friend Katie tomorrow, date on Thursday, and maybe something Friday.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Is this what normal extroverts feel like?</p> <p class="MsoNormal">…And on Black Friday I had an Indian woman with curried B.O. coming from every pore.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"></span>Ah...bigotry mission accomplished.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>CBFF Christi would be so proud.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><br /></p><p class="MsoNormal">Update: I retract any and all statements that may have offended Asians, Dutch people, Mexicans, Africans, African-Americans (who I think actually go by "black" now?? not sure), and God's chosen people, the Jews. We all have tendencies and quirks that make us unique and set us apart from everyone else, but that does not mean that one race/people/creed is better than another, and until we break the cycle of hate and satirical "truth," we will never be truly ONE.</p><p class="MsoNormal">Update again: I retract my retraction. It's a freakin' humor blog. Get some thicker skin, ya PC Commies.</p>Ashlee Lanehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06242462474308686708noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5552652531675930233.post-25846098448586259422010-08-22T23:39:00.006-04:002010-08-22T23:52:23.159-04:00Getting to Know You, aka the most I'll ever quote The King and I(I'm not a huge fan of that musical, though I love MANY THOUSANDS of others)<br /><br />I’m not sure we’re really acquainted. Although, except for the monkey that follows my blog <span style="font-size:85%;">(seriously, I’m flattered, but WHO ARE YOU?)</span>, you DO know me. But to anyone who might stumble upon this site by accident or random Kevin-Bacon-game bunny trail from some person to me, and be indubitably struck by my quirky brilliance, I will describe myself to you a bit more. And perhaps you who know me will be enlightened further.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:130%;" >I’m an original copy-cat.</span> But Ashlee, what does that mean? you undoubtedly ask. Answer: anything that you read on this blog that makes you laugh has probably been stolen—in format, not in content. I don’t plagiarize, everything on this site is really made up from my weird mind, but my humor is not my own. I have learned how to be funny from my CBFF <a href="http://christithemann.blogspot.com/">Christi</a> and a few funny people I read. <a href="http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/">Allie</a> of Hyperbole and a Half fame is one of those funny people. Dave Barry is another. Self-deprecation and run-on sentences with too many adjectives come from these people. So, don’t stop reading me, but read them too. You probably won’t think I’m that funny anymore, but they’re hysterical.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:130%;" >I’m a NERD.</span> Not even a geek, because geeks are cool and get to go to awesome stuff like Comic-Con and Star Wars conventions and gamer expos. Nope, I’m just a nerd. I graduated college Summa Cum Laude with a 3.95 GPA, I correct everyone’s grammar (if not out loud, in my head), I am the ONLY one in my family that finds my engineer father’s dry humor hilarious, and I think of puns all the time that I don’t actually say because, as a rule, all of my peers would look at me like their grandfather wouldn’t even make a joke that lame. I know this because on the few disastrous occasions when I have tested out one of these puns that seem oh-so-witty in my mind, this is the reaction I have gotten:<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg1jpccBtl0sLqTlt4GxsNXLgJAnE4DGOuOmncBFccD9lZLzB0DMczj411sVSIyopoAhT_QiHvUD2UjU-Sj8cvrfbObZ_cvbs426PUA_hp6QTScnmAi2mhrI0MvSP5cV3D8oE9-SHmveKY/s1600/Reaction.jpg"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 255px; height: 137px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg1jpccBtl0sLqTlt4GxsNXLgJAnE4DGOuOmncBFccD9lZLzB0DMczj411sVSIyopoAhT_QiHvUD2UjU-Sj8cvrfbObZ_cvbs426PUA_hp6QTScnmAi2mhrI0MvSP5cV3D8oE9-SHmveKY/s400/Reaction.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5508446190684826050" border="0" /></a>Hence, the whole stealing-other-styles-of-humor thing. My dad would have laughed hysterically…or at least understood the joke and chuckled to placate me. But no one else finds it truly funny. (Super-fun side note: if you take my advice and look at the blog I mentioned, you will see that even my style of artwork is stolen from Allie)<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:130%;" >I have a very obsessive personality.</span><span style="font-size:130%;"> </span>It doesn’t take much for me to like something...and when I like something, I LOVE IT. Examples: 1) CBFF Christi told me she loves the show Dexter. I watched three seasons in about a month to be caught up with her. 2) Lost: I got sick of hearing all the hype without understanding what they were talking about, so I watched four seasons in a month and a half, even when it got unbelievably stupid and more than usually impossible. When I got like this in college, CBFF knew that if she walked into our room and I was there, I was going to be watching the show of the month, whatever it was. And she was going to hear synopses of the episodes because I’m also very expressive and can’t help but laugh or go “aw” or something when I’m watching a show with my headphones in. She was always very patient and pretended to be avidly interested in the nuances of shows she had never seen and characters she had never heard of. IMDB is my enabler in this obsession. It is far too easy to search for the movie I’ve just seen and figure out why that supporting actor looks so familiar. Then I have five movies he’s been in RIGHT on the tip of my tongue in case someone says, “I don’t think I remember who you’re talking about. What else has he done?” Which happens surprisingly often (I don’t have too many film-geeks for friends). When LOTR came out (and if you don’t know/can’t figure out what that stands for, just stop reading my blog right now), my dad and I went to a flea market and bought a replica of Sting (complete with “made in Pakistan” on the blade), my parents gave me the Evenstar necklace for Christmas, and I learned all the Elvish phrases in the (first) movie. Don’t bother telling me how pathetic I am, I already know. It’s totally another “dad” characteristic: my dad watched Phantom of the Opera and we all saw the musical together at Western Michigan University when I was 18 (four years ago) and he would STILL watch that movie every other night if my mom didn’t put her foot down. We also bought all three Extended Versions of LOTR and he tries to make it a tradition to watch all three over a Christmas vacation weekend. It’s pretty unsuccessful, but that’s not the point. The point is that he’s really obsessive, and so am I.<br /><span style="font-size:130%;"><br /></span><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:130%;" >I do things specifically so people will think I’m cooler</span>—usually guys. Example: guns are pretty cool, and I like shooting targets with my dad and learning how to make bullets because it’s an obscure skill that I will never use but that is fun to have in my arsenal (ha, arsenal…guns…see? That’s my natural humor: LAME). But I really like that I know just enough about guns to seem cool to a guy who has a small to moderate gun knowledge, i.e. every single American guy on the planet except those who know way too much about guns. I mean, even the pacifists I know who would never own a gun in real life play a crap-ton of video games equipped with armories that would make a trigger-happy 19 year old Marine go, “Umm, I think that might be a little overkill.” Also, I recently had WAY too much car trouble than should be allowed for a broke college grad living far from home with no job and an essentially brand-new car. So I did a lot of Googling about crankshaft position sensors, limit-home settings, camshafts, and spark plugs. To any mechanic trying to screw me over or tempted to think I was gullible and ignorant, I threw in JUST enough car lingo to make them think otherwise. A very useful tool. Also, I think Star Wars and Star Trek really are cool (see above weird fact #3 about me), but I want to know so much more random trivia about it JUST so I will be cooler in the eyes of fellow geeks of the male gender, which is invariably who I am always attracted to even though I desperately wish I would fall for the rugged, muscular, exotic guys who are well-read and well-traveled (side note: this is exactly like my male friend who wants to date a redhead—or just Amy Adams—more than anything in the world, but always dates girls of other hair color—usually with brown hair and glasses). And lastly, I like some video games, but my skill level is very much a typical girl skill level (very low) and I only like Mario kind of stuff, and only on the N64. It’s my favorite system, for sure. But I like movies a lot, and some video games like Oblivion and Assassin’s Creed are a lot like movies because there’s a good storyline, and Fallout 3 is pretty cool too. However, though I don’t play them and don’t get geeked out about graphics or awesome moves or anything, I will watch a guy play video games for a good two or three hours 1) to spend time with someone of the opposite sex, and 2) so he will think I like video games and therefore am cool. I will never attempt to pick up a controller, even if I am offered an opportunity, because without fail I will be outed as a less-than-devoted gamer. This has led to many a yawn-stifling evening watching a friend free the demon-warrior-ghost from his crypt only to slay him with rapid-fire thumb movements and save the medieval kingdom from inevitable destruction by genetically altered goblins.<br /><br />So, that sums up the weird world of ME…for now. There is just so much more that I’m not willing to share with you…namely because I would be hesitant to share it with a therapist, let alone you crazies/future employers/possible lovers on the Internet. And…you…know who you are??<br /><br />If I suddenly triple my follower count from this post I’ll add more wacky facts about myself, but I’m out of ideas at the moment so I’ll try to eat my Comedy Wheaties in the morning to keep up my humor-strength. Might take awhile. I know, I know…you’re ALL waiting with bated breath. Especially that monkey.Ashlee Lanehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06242462474308686708noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5552652531675930233.post-27101159700028081922010-08-12T11:20:00.004-04:002010-08-12T11:35:25.984-04:00Get some popcorn and a loved one to squeeze in terror...or a Snuggie if you're completely alone in the world.<meta equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=utf-8"><meta name="ProgId" content="Word.Document"><meta name="Generator" content="Microsoft Word 12"><meta name="Originator" content="Microsoft Word 12"><link rel="File-List" href="file:///C:%5CUsers%5CASHLEE%7E1.LAN%5CAppData%5CLocal%5CTemp%5Cmsohtmlclip1%5C01%5Cclip_filelist.xml"><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <o:officedocumentsettings> <o:relyonvml/> <o:allowpng/> </o:OfficeDocumentSettings> </xml><![endif]--><link rel="themeData" href="file:///C:%5CUsers%5CASHLEE%7E1.LAN%5CAppData%5CLocal%5CTemp%5Cmsohtmlclip1%5C01%5Cclip_themedata.thmx"><link rel="colorSchemeMapping" href="file:///C:%5CUsers%5CASHLEE%7E1.LAN%5CAppData%5CLocal%5CTemp%5Cmsohtmlclip1%5C01%5Cclip_colorschememapping.xml"><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:worddocument> <w:view>Normal</w:View> <w:zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:trackmoves/> <w:trackformatting/> <w:punctuationkerning/> <w:validateagainstschemas/> <w:saveifxmlinvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:ignoremixedcontent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:alwaysshowplaceholdertext>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w:donotpromoteqf/> <w:lidthemeother>EN-US</w:LidThemeOther> <w:lidthemeasian>X-NONE</w:LidThemeAsian> <w:lidthemecomplexscript>X-NONE</w:LidThemeComplexScript> <w:compatibility> <w:breakwrappedtables/> <w:snaptogridincell/> <w:wraptextwithpunct/> <w:useasianbreakrules/> <w:dontgrowautofit/> <w:splitpgbreakandparamark/> <w:dontvertaligncellwithsp/> <w:dontbreakconstrainedforcedtables/> <w:dontvertalignintxbx/> <w:word11kerningpairs/> <w:cachedcolbalance/> </w:Compatibility> <m:mathpr> <m:mathfont val="Cambria Math"> <m:brkbin val="before"> <m:brkbinsub val="--"> <m:smallfrac val="off"> <m:dispdef/> <m:lmargin val="0"> <m:rmargin val="0"> <m:defjc val="centerGroup"> <m:wrapindent val="1440"> <m:intlim val="subSup"> <m:narylim val="undOvr"> </m:mathPr></w:WordDocument> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:latentstyles deflockedstate="false" defunhidewhenused="true" defsemihidden="true" defqformat="false" defpriority="99" latentstylecount="267"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="0" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" qformat="true" name="Normal"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="9" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" qformat="true" name="heading 1"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="9" qformat="true" name="heading 2"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="9" qformat="true" name="heading 3"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="9" qformat="true" name="heading 4"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="9" qformat="true" name="heading 5"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="9" qformat="true" name="heading 6"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="9" qformat="true" name="heading 7"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="9" qformat="true" name="heading 8"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="9" qformat="true" name="heading 9"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="39" name="toc 1"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="39" name="toc 2"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="39" name="toc 3"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="39" name="toc 4"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="39" name="toc 5"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="39" name="toc 6"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="39" name="toc 7"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="39" name="toc 8"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="39" name="toc 9"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="35" qformat="true" name="caption"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="10" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" qformat="true" name="Title"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="1" name="Default Paragraph Font"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="11" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" qformat="true" name="Subtitle"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="22" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" qformat="true" name="Strong"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="20" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" qformat="true" name="Emphasis"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="59" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Table Grid"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Placeholder Text"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="1" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" qformat="true" name="No Spacing"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="60" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Light Shading"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="61" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Light List"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="62" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Light Grid"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="63" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Shading 1"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="64" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Shading 2"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="65" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium List 1"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="66" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium List 2"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="67" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Grid 1"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="68" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Grid 2"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="69" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Grid 3"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="70" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Dark List"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="71" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Colorful Shading"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="72" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Colorful List"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="73" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Colorful Grid"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="60" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Light Shading Accent 1"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="61" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Light List Accent 1"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="62" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Light Grid Accent 1"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="63" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 1"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="64" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 1"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="65" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium List 1 Accent 1"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Revision"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="34" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" qformat="true" name="List Paragraph"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="29" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" qformat="true" name="Quote"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="30" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" qformat="true" name="Intense Quote"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="66" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium List 2 Accent 1"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="67" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 1"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="68" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 1"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="69" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 1"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="70" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Dark List Accent 1"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="71" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Colorful Shading Accent 1"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="72" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Colorful List Accent 1"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="73" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Colorful Grid Accent 1"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="60" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Light Shading Accent 2"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="61" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Light List Accent 2"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="62" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Light Grid Accent 2"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="63" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 2"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="64" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 2"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="65" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium List 1 Accent 2"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="66" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium List 2 Accent 2"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="67" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 2"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="68" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 2"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="69" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 2"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="70" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Dark List Accent 2"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="71" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Colorful Shading Accent 2"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="72" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Colorful List Accent 2"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="73" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Colorful Grid Accent 2"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="60" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Light Shading Accent 3"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="61" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Light List Accent 3"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="62" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Light Grid Accent 3"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="63" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 3"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="64" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 3"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="65" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium List 1 Accent 3"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="66" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium List 2 Accent 3"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="67" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 3"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="68" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 3"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="69" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 3"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="70" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Dark List Accent 3"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="71" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Colorful Shading Accent 3"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="72" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Colorful List Accent 3"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="73" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Colorful Grid Accent 3"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="60" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Light Shading Accent 4"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="61" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Light List Accent 4"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="62" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Light Grid Accent 4"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="63" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 4"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="64" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 4"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="65" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium List 1 Accent 4"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="66" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium List 2 Accent 4"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="67" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 4"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="68" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 4"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="69" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 4"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="70" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Dark List Accent 4"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="71" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Colorful Shading Accent 4"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="72" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Colorful List Accent 4"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="73" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Colorful Grid Accent 4"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="60" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Light Shading Accent 5"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="61" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Light List Accent 5"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="62" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Light Grid Accent 5"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="63" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 5"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="64" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 5"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="65" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium List 1 Accent 5"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="66" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium List 2 Accent 5"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="67" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 5"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="68" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 5"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="69" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 5"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="70" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Dark List Accent 5"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="71" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Colorful Shading Accent 5"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="72" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Colorful List Accent 5"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="73" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Colorful Grid Accent 5"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="60" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Light Shading Accent 6"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="61" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Light List Accent 6"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="62" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Light Grid Accent 6"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="63" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 6"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="64" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 6"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="65" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium List 1 Accent 6"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="66" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium List 2 Accent 6"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="67" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 6"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="68" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 6"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="69" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 6"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="70" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Dark List Accent 6"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="71" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Colorful Shading Accent 6"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="72" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Colorful List Accent 6"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="73" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Colorful Grid Accent 6"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="19" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" qformat="true" name="Subtle Emphasis"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="21" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" qformat="true" name="Intense Emphasis"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="31" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" qformat="true" name="Subtle Reference"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="32" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" qformat="true" name="Intense Reference"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="33" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" qformat="true" name="Book Title"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="37" name="Bibliography"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="39" qformat="true" name="TOC Heading"> </w:LatentStyles> </xml><![endif]--><style> <!-- /* Font Definitions */ @font-face {font-family:"Cambria Math"; panose-1:2 4 5 3 5 4 6 3 2 4; mso-font-charset:1; mso-generic-font-family:roman; mso-font-format:other; mso-font-pitch:variable; mso-font-signature:0 0 0 0 0 0;} @font-face {font-family:Calibri; panose-1:2 15 5 2 2 2 4 3 2 4; mso-font-charset:0; mso-generic-font-family:swiss; mso-font-pitch:variable; mso-font-signature:-1610611985 1073750139 0 0 159 0;} /* Style Definitions */ p.MsoNormal, li.MsoNormal, div.MsoNormal {mso-style-unhide:no; mso-style-qformat:yes; mso-style-parent:""; margin-top:0in; margin-right:0in; margin-bottom:10.0pt; margin-left:0in; line-height:115%; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:11.0pt; font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family:Calibri; mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi;} .MsoChpDefault {mso-style-type:export-only; mso-default-props:yes; mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family:Calibri; mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi;} .MsoPapDefault {mso-style-type:export-only; margin-bottom:10.0pt; line-height:115%;} @page Section1 {size:8.5in 11.0in; margin:31.5pt 1.0in 40.5pt 1.0in; mso-header-margin:.5in; mso-footer-margin:.5in; mso-paper-source:0;} div.Section1 {page:Section1;} --> </style><!--[if gte mso 10]> <style> /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-priority:99; mso-style-qformat:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; mso-para-margin-top:0in; mso-para-margin-right:0in; mso-para-margin-bottom:10.0pt; mso-para-margin-left:0in; line-height:115%; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:11.0pt; font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;} </style> <![endif]--> <p class="MsoNormal">Yesssss…something crazy finally happened to me.<span style=""> </span>This is the most ridiculous thing to ever occur in my life.<span style=""> </span>Weirder than two friends coming out to me, weirder than having a huge crush on my cousin when I was 8, weirder than bringing a dead bird to class in 2<sup>nd</sup> grade…they all pale in comparison.<span style=""> </span>The bird thing is a close second, but really they can’t compare because this was straight out of a chainsaw slasher movie.<span style=""> </span>I’m not even sure if those two horror genres are allowed to be in films together, but that’s how scary this was.<span style=""> </span>OK, enough build-up.<span style=""> </span>Grab some popcorn and a friend’s hand (or the hand of someone you’re interested in; more power to you) and get ready.</p> <p class="MsoNormal">My office did an event one Saturday and needed a HUGE tent for it, but we had no budget to rent one.<span style=""> </span>We called every contact we had on Thursday and had a woman at the WWII museum call us back and say they had a 30x60 tent we could use.<span style=""> </span>The museum is about 40 minutes away, but it was the only option we had, so we were pretty excited about it. <span style=""> </span>Once we made the trip to the museum, a woman came out and said, “Yeah, John’s going to come and talk to you about the tent.<span style=""> </span>There’s a slight issue with it.”<span style=""> </span>The issue?<span style=""> </span>It was destroyed A YEAR AGO in a huge storm.<span style=""> </span>How badly was it destroyed?<span style=""> </span>Well, we had the lovely John to tell us that bit of news.<span style=""> </span>The top probably had huge tears in it, but for some reason he didn’t know for sure.<span style=""> </span>He DID know, however, that many of the supporting poles were broken.<span style=""> </span>He also knew that even if they weren’t, there is no way our vehicles would have been able to fit the poles.<span style=""> </span>So…they couldn’t inform us of any of this before we came all the way out to the middle of nowhere???<span style=""> </span>This was just pissing us off at this point, by the way.<span style=""> </span>The chainsaw-slasher part is still to come.<span style=""> </span>John asked us if we want to see the tent anyway, just in case it’s still usable somehow.<span style=""> </span>Well, we DID drive THREE vehicles FORTY minutes out of our way.<span style=""> </span>Contrary to what John may think, we do not actually take time out of our incredibly busy schedules to take three vehicles just to visit the WWII museum on a whim.<span style=""> </span>So, yeah, we would like to see the tent.<span style=""> </span>So, he told us to follow him.<span style=""> </span>We crossed the street and drove into what was essentially a field with an overgrown gravel path…and a barn in the middle of the field.<span style=""> </span>This barn is something out of “Deliverance.”<span style=""> </span>Also, it was raining; as if this setting wasn’t creepy enough.<span style=""> </span>So John let us all into this barn thing, and we walked into a semi-lit, fairly-empty garage area with Russian words spray-painted all over the walls and a random filing cabinet or two.<span style=""> </span>One of the interns informs us that he’s fairly certain one of the sections of Russian graffiti says “murder.”<span style=""> </span>Garbage and random junk littered the floor, which I’m sure also houses about a billion types of viral infection.<span style=""> </span>But what we did NOT see is anything that could pass as a tent.<span style=""> </span>So John escorted us to another room, which looked like it could be the basement of a creepy house where people do drugs and make pornos.<span style=""> </span>That doesn’t happen in this room, though.<span style=""> </span>Nope, this room gave subtle hints that the barn had been broken into and used as a party barn by teenagers.<span style=""> </span>These subtle hints included, but were not limited to, the fifteen-odd empty handles of vodka, the two doors that had been lain out as beer pong tables, the fifty empty red Solo cups and the hundred or so Natty Light cans strewn on the floor, the counter, the sofa, and the stained and ratty carpet.<span style=""> </span>Combine this with the low ceiling, the flickering fluorescent lighting and the feeling that any second I would find the pentagram and skulls where these kids had done animal sacrifices and I was just a little creeped out when John shut off the lights and I WAS STILL IN THE ROOM.<span style=""> </span>Two other interns were just in front of me, and with no small amount of shame do I relate to you that in a life-threatening situation, there would be no gallantry from this girl.<span style=""> </span>No, I shrieked and clawed the backs of the guys in front of me to make sure I was no longer the last person in the room.<span style=""> </span>Huh-uh, I’ve seen scary movies; I know that the person in the back and the person in the front always get it.<span style=""> </span>And the virgin is always the first to go, so DOUBLE WHAMMY.<span style=""> </span>So, John moved a filing cabinet from in front of a different door and left us all in the creepy party-garage/date-rape house/E-is-for-ecstasy room.<span style=""> </span>Then my boss (who is only two years older than me so we get along really well) saw the stairs leading up to a second level, and he goes, “I’m going to go check it out!”<span style=""> </span>Of course, this is where in a REAL scary movie he would have been killed off because once you split up you are just begging for the ax-murderer with half a face and some serious mommy issues to come find you and peel off your epidermis in its entirety to complete his zoot-suit-o’-skin (femur-cane sold separately).<span style=""> </span></p> <p class="MsoNormal">But the real version is infinitely creepier and potentially really sad too.<span style=""> </span>He came back downstairs where we were all still waiting for John and said, “Umm, it’s really weird up there.”<span style=""> </span>While this was not a shocker to any of us, we asked him to explain.<span style=""> </span>Apparently the upstairs area was split into a bunch of teeny TEENY rooms with a bed and a bathroom each, and the words “Know why you live” were written on the staircase.<span style=""> </span>First thought: we’re definitely going to be killed.<span style=""> </span>Second thought: tell CBFF Christi and BFF Corrin where I am and what John looks like so they’ll know who to look for during the investigation into our mysterious disappearance.<span style=""> </span>Third thought, less funny: this sounds a lot like a human trafficking scheme.<span style=""> </span>That thought has bugged me ever since we left that underage-drinking Russian crackhouse with a chop shop on the side for a little extra revenue, actually.<span style=""> </span>But it’s not funny to think or write about, so I’ll skip it and go back to the funny-creepiness.</p> <p class="MsoNormal">The second my boss related to us the teeny rooms that I’m sure were just places for the wasted teens to hook up with a bit more privacy, John freaked us all out by pushing back through the tiny door with the filing cabinet in front of it and telling us he found a storage area outside that may contain the tent.<span style=""> </span>Remember?<span style=""> </span>We’re looking for a TENT.<span style=""> </span>I know, it’s a little hard to remember why on EARTH we were putting ourselves in so much danger in the first place.<span style=""> </span>To refresh your memory, it’s because we love our jobs so FREAKING much and take pride in our work and want to put forth the best DARN event possible.<span style=""> </span>Yeah…<span style=""> </span>Anyway, we all traipsed outside in the drizzling rain and see four storage-area-garages all sitting next to the barn building.<span style=""> </span>Though we were now out of the dusty, ratty porn-barn and in the daylight, we were no longer visible from the road, i.e. no witnesses.<span style=""> </span>FAAAAAN-tastic.<span style=""> </span>As John opened up the first of the garages, we began to get an even stronger sense that we were in a bad Stephen King novel.<span style=""> </span>I’m not even sure if there ARE any bad Stephen King novels, but you get the idea.<span style=""> </span>Think that really crappy “Wrong Turn” movie and anything with clowns in it.<span style=""> </span>We saw faded, once-brightly painted picnic tables stacked on top of each other, old carnival signs, clown faces peeking out at us from behind old holey tarps, and I THINK parts of a merry-go-round or carousel.<span style=""> </span>TERR.<span style=""> </span>IF.<span style=""> </span>EYING.<span style=""> </span>(I know that’s not how you spell terrifying, but it works better this way phonetically)<span style=""> </span>As we were all half-heartedly looking for the tent that is supposedly buried under all these old horror-movie props, just wanting to make it out alive and not really caring about the tent anymore, all of a sudden one of us looked up and John was carrying around a spool of chain in one hand.<span style=""> </span>YES, he ACTUALLY had a chain dangling from one of his hands.<span style=""> </span>I’m not creative enough to make this crap up.<span style=""> </span>Calm, rational, and realistic person that I am, I tugged on everyone’s sleeve that I could get a grip on and squeaked, “He’s got a chain, you guys!<span style=""> </span>He’s definitely going to kill us!”<span style=""> </span>My boss told me to get into his car and have 911 on speed dial.<span style=""> </span>Now, I sincerely can’t tell you guys if we were all serious or not.<span style=""> </span>He was half-joking like the rest of us.<span style=""> </span>But I really can’t figure out if we were all scaring ourselves into hysteria and were laughing because we were all terrified, or just laughing it off because we knew it seemed horrifying but was really harmless.<span style=""> </span>Anyway, partly to get out of the rain, and partly because I felt one of us should have a chance of survival in case John started swinging that chain around, I got into the car and just watched.<span style=""> </span>John had mentioned that his “friend” (accomplice) might know where the tent was, but we didn’t see him call this friend; suddenly this other guy appeared out of NOWHERE and said, “So you guys didn’t find that tent yet, huh?”<span style=""> </span>WHAT.<span style=""> </span>THE.<span style=""> </span>HECK.<span style=""> </span>We didn’t know how he knew where we were, how he knew what we were looking for, and why his umbrella tip had a semi-sharpened look to it, but we were not about to stick around to find out.<span style=""> </span>John (who at some point had put down the chain) and his friend opened up the second garage and we found TENTS!<span style=""> </span>Remember tents?<span style=""> </span>So we wouldn’t get rained out for our event?<span style=""> </span>Barely, right?<span style=""> </span>Tents by the score, poles in the upper thousands, of all different shapes and sizes.<span style=""> </span>We were almost home free. But not quite.<span style=""> </span>We quickly discovered that we couldn’t lift a tent out of the garage to see if it was undamaged, and even if we could somehow manage that impossible task, there was no way to know which poles went with it.<span style=""> </span>And even if we could somehow manage THAT, neither the poles NOR the tent would fit into any of our vehicles.<span style=""> </span>ALL of which John or one of his deranged cohorts COULD have learned for us with just a little bit of digging BEFORE we drove 40 minutes out there and spent the better part of a morning trying not to get axed, or herpes…herpes’ed?<span style=""> </span>Anyway, the second we learned it was useless to try with these tents, we hightailed it out of that house of death and made our way safely back to the office…and it didn’t even rain the next day.</p> <p class="MsoNormal">Point: I’M STILL ALIVE!<span style=""> </span>End.</p> Ashlee Lanehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06242462474308686708noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5552652531675930233.post-46731369049303492532010-07-09T13:14:00.004-04:002010-07-09T13:40:15.268-04:00Tay-Tay speaks to me...So, I know it's been awhile since I put anything on here...not super long, but too long for my taste. Anyway, a new funny post is in the works and I will be posting it shortly...'cause I know ALL my avid readers care EVER so much. Anyway, it's going to be a GREAT story.<br /><br />The purpose of this post is just to briefly give a shout-out to NOT getting married today!! Yay!! Seriously, this is not sarcastic or a cover for the deep deep pain I feel. I'm not opposed to marriage, and I'm not going to rant about what a completely manipulative, cowardly person filled with committment and trust issues who pulled a Chris-Farley-in-Tommy-Boy-with-his-pretty-pet-biscuit my ex is. No, I'm better than that. No really, that was for humorous purposes only. I applaud his cowardice wrapped in a nice "this is the right thing to do" candy-coated shell, because it really was the right thing, for me anyway.<br /><br />I still think marriage is great, but HOLY CRAP people my age should NOT be getting married. No seriously, all the marriages on Facebook of people I graduated with or who are not even graduated YET, they FA-REAK me out. Maybe they knew who they were much more than I did, but I didn't come into who I really was until after the break-up. And MAN I'm cool. Haha. I mean, I have flaws for sure, but I really like myself. I really hope I don't have to be single to like myself, because what a drag that would be. A vow: whenever my next relationship is (and I'm NOT looking for one in the near future), I will NOT immediately turn into a needy insecure super-bitch. Because I'm not that person, and I don't know what it is about men I get into relationships with that turns me into that psycho.<br /><br />So, to anyone in an unhappy marriage because you got married too young or you didn't live life as much as you wanted to before you got married or you didn't know what a total bastard your husband was until after you said "I do," I am going to party it up for ALL YA'LL's sake tonight! Two of my best friends are coming out to the Fort to hang out with me, and we are going to have so much fun. Actually, I asked them to come out in case I was really depressed and weepy today, but I woke up relaxed and stress-free, no crying (a small miracle for the woman with tears PERPETUALLY coming out of her face) and wondering how on EARTH a mere 8 months ago I actually thought I would be ready and happy to be ANYONE's wife starting today, let alone HIS wife.<br /><br />I have way too much to do for myself and by myself before I'm ready to become the sweet, stay-at-home, forget my dreams because his are more important, "dinner's on the table, sweetheart!" wife that my dear BLIND high school and college friends are becoming so easily, like lemmings to the cliff. Again, NOT hating on the institution of marriage, just the choices most of my peers are making.<br /><br />So, move to Chicago to follow CBFF Christi? I can do that. Italy? hello, gelato! Paris? well, some things are out the question no matter how much freedom you have. But Australia? have you HEARD the men talk? YES PLEASE. Law school? ...meh, why not.<br /><br />"Back then I swore I was gonna marry him someday, but I realized some bigger dreams of mine." Oh Tay-Tay (Swift, that is)...I may not be a multi-award-winning recording artist, but I feel ya. Sing it, girl.Ashlee Lanehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06242462474308686708noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5552652531675930233.post-80474747025889991542010-06-13T16:21:00.005-04:002010-06-13T16:39:17.211-04:00So...I'll probably lose all 3 of my followers by telling you this...Reader, sit right down and your dear aunt Ashlee will tell you the tale of when I asked a millionaire if I could live with him for the summer. Hold on tight, this is not a pretty story.<div><br />To begin, I knew this was crazy when I did it, but College BFF Christi tried out for a reality TV show in Chicago, and when I looked at her like she was kind of nuts, she said, “Why not? At least I can say I tried. People can’t make fun of me because they didn’t even try and I did.” This inspired me to try my own crazy, at-least-I-tried thing. Spoiler alert: CBFF is NOT on a reality TV show, and our plans worked out equally well for both of us.<br /><br /></div><div>So, I was watching Millionaire Matchmaker on Bravo late one night (a mistake already, I KNOW). Please don’t lose all respect for me yet. By the end of the story, fine; but not yet. If you don’t know what the show is, a 2-sentence explanation: these millionaires hire a professional matchmaker to find classy, non-gold-digger dates for them and they have a mixer where they can’t exchange numbers, then a mini-date with two people of their choice, then one big date with one of those people. Patti (Matchmaker) calls and sees how it went and then we get an update on if they see each other again. It’s like all the fun of Bachelor but not in a freaking long, ridiculously dramatic season. And this really cute guy was on it (Trevor) and he’s from the city right in between where I went to college and where I’m working this summer. I think my mom suggested this jokingly, but of course I got really desperate for a cheap/free place to live this summer and took her suggestion. He’s a Christian, which is a total plus for her. She said I should live with him for the summer and then he would inevitably fall in love with me and I would be set and not have to choose a career (well, I added that career part; I’m sure she expects me to become a fabulously wealthy lawyer even if I marry the prince of Monaco…who IS single, by the way…but that’s beside the point). I did some <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;">creepy Internet stalking</span> research and discovered how old he was (26? I legitimately forgot so I can’t be that crazy…OK OK, I still am) and that actually he lives somewhere else but his PARENTS live in the town that Millionaire Matchmaker said he lived in, and that made it better because while he probably wouldn’t let me live with him alone, his parents might be OK with taking in a charity/mental case for two short months. I was home while I saw this, and as I returned to school and my summer living/pay situation got more and more dismal, I got more and more distraught and desperate. So I found him on Facebook and sent him THIS (commentary in italics):<br /><br />Hello. You don't know me, and even though I don't really know you, I have a very weird question. I'm a senior at <span style="font-style:italic;">*I’m not telling you guys*</span> College, and I have an internship in Fort Wayne this summer, with Senator <span style="font-style:italic;">*So-and-so*</span>'s office. I'm making essentially a pittance, and I can't really afford rent anywhere. And, your family has a big farm in <i>*some Indiana*</i> City. (I know, I know...this already sounds insane as I type it...believe me, I'm aware.) <div><br /><span style="font-style:italic;">*I thought admitting it would make it seem less creepy. It didn’t.*</span> <br /><br /></div><div>Anyway, I was wondering if, one nice Christian person to another, your family might consider letting me stay with them in <span style="font-style:italic;">*town where they live*</span>, just for the summer. <br /><span style="font-style:italic;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-style:italic;">*Make myself sound respectable and show him already we have something in common.* </span><br /><br /></div><div>I could pay them $100 a month at most. I'm an honest, clean, responsible Christian girl who just needs a place to stay for cheap. <br /><span style="font-style:italic;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-style:italic;">*Lies, all lies. I’m semi-messy, rarely on time, stay up too late and sleep through my alarm—which puts responsible out the window.*</span><br /><br /></div><div>Even though I don't know your family, it's pretty obviously from the very little I know of you that they are wonderful Christian people, so that makes this (only slightly) less scary than finding a roommate on Craigslist. <br /><span style="font-style:italic;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-style:italic;">*See, two birds with one stone: brown-nose AND let him know I’m trying to AVOID crazy…would an insane person really care about avoiding other insane people??*</span> <br /><br /></div><div>I could have just gotten their number out of the white pages, but I couldn't decide which way would be creepier--you getting a Facebook message from a total stranger or your parents getting a call from a stranger asking for a place to stay. Unfortunately, I now realize they are BOTH equally creepy. <br /><br /><span style="font-style:italic;">*Yes they are.*</span><br /><br />So, you can completely disregard this message if you find it intrusive and presumptuous, but I'm CLEARLY at the end of my rope here with such a desperate request. On the off chance that you DON'T immediately delete this, and if you would feel more comfortable after meeting me, you can do that<br /><span style="font-style:italic;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-style:italic;">*not that I really want you to meet me and think I’m pretty or anything*</span>; or we can set up a meeting with your parents.<br /><br /></div><div>OK, YES...to get it out of the way, because I'm sure you're wondering, I DID see you on Millionaire Matchmaker...it was 1 AM and I was bored...but that's really beside the point.<br /><span style="font-style:italic;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-style:italic;">*No, it’s not. It’s very much THE POINT.*</span><br /><br /></div><div>You just stuck in my head for some reason, maybe because you were so close to <span style="font-style:italic;">*some town where my college is*</span>. Maybe because God wanted me to at least ask for your help (as I'm not always good about that).<br /><br /></div><div>*<span style="font-style:italic;">Again with throwing the religion card in there, just in case he had forgotten from a minute ago</span>.*<br /><br /></div><div>Please just prayerfully consider it, and thank you for even reading to the end of this message. <br /><br /></div><div><i>*Yeah, BIG assumption there.*</i><br /><br />AND, believe it or not, he actually replied: My parents are great people but believe me you don't want to live with them haha....I will let you know if I hear of anything around Columbia City.<br /><br />I had to add that last period, by the way. While I was just grateful to get a reply and not a restraining order, the more I read it to friends who couldn’t believe the story until I read both messages to them, the more I was like “YOU’RE a millionaire? YOU were on TV as this classy, rich guy and you can’t even use a PERIOD??” And to just throw “haha” in there like it goes with the rest of that sentence…I mean, come ON. Also, it made me unbelievably curious as to what kind of people his parents are to make him say that. Are they conservative? monkish-ly quiet? sheep-humping hicks? Do they decorate their house with clowns? I’ll never know. <br /><br />Anyway, since then I have met two people who know him and know the family and I told the story to one of them and he thought it was hysterical instead of crazy. Maybe a little crazy, but he mercifully kept that to himself…unlike the other coworkers in the room who immediately mass-texted and Tweeted it and gave me REALLY weird looks for the rest of the day. He said he could picture Trevor saying something like that, and that he was too nice to think it was creepy. And if he doesn’t think I’m unbelievably crazy and disturbed, then clearly he’s not mentally right and it’s a good thing I didn’t live with him this summer. Whew, dodged a bullet on that one.<br /><br />And that, children, is the story of how your aunt Ashlee ALMOST lived with a millionaire/got her first restraining order.</div></div>Ashlee Lanehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06242462474308686708noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5552652531675930233.post-83542170716256862402010-06-05T14:48:00.002-04:002010-06-05T14:53:39.378-04:00A Letter to My Cereal<meta equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=utf-8"><meta name="ProgId" content="Word.Document"><meta name="Generator" content="Microsoft Word 12"><meta name="Originator" content="Microsoft Word 12"><link rel="File-List" href="file:///C:%5CUsers%5CASHLEE%7E1.LAN%5CAppData%5CLocal%5CTemp%5Cmsohtmlclip1%5C01%5Cclip_filelist.xml"><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <o:officedocumentsettings> <o:relyonvml/> <o:allowpng/> </o:OfficeDocumentSettings> </xml><![endif]--><link rel="themeData" href="file:///C:%5CUsers%5CASHLEE%7E1.LAN%5CAppData%5CLocal%5CTemp%5Cmsohtmlclip1%5C01%5Cclip_themedata.thmx"><link rel="colorSchemeMapping" href="file:///C:%5CUsers%5CASHLEE%7E1.LAN%5CAppData%5CLocal%5CTemp%5Cmsohtmlclip1%5C01%5Cclip_colorschememapping.xml"><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:worddocument> <w:view>Normal</w:View> <w:zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:trackmoves/> <w:trackformatting/> <w:punctuationkerning/> <w:validateagainstschemas/> <w:saveifxmlinvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:ignoremixedcontent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:alwaysshowplaceholdertext>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w:donotpromoteqf/> <w:lidthemeother>EN-US</w:LidThemeOther> <w:lidthemeasian>X-NONE</w:LidThemeAsian> <w:lidthemecomplexscript>X-NONE</w:LidThemeComplexScript> <w:compatibility> <w:breakwrappedtables/> <w:snaptogridincell/> <w:wraptextwithpunct/> <w:useasianbreakrules/> <w:dontgrowautofit/> <w:splitpgbreakandparamark/> <w:dontvertaligncellwithsp/> <w:dontbreakconstrainedforcedtables/> <w:dontvertalignintxbx/> <w:word11kerningpairs/> <w:cachedcolbalance/> </w:Compatibility> <m:mathpr> <m:mathfont val="Cambria Math"> <m:brkbin val="before"> <m:brkbinsub val="--"> <m:smallfrac val="off"> <m:dispdef/> <m:lmargin val="0"> <m:rmargin val="0"> <m:defjc val="centerGroup"> <m:wrapindent val="1440"> <m:intlim val="subSup"> <m:narylim val="undOvr"> </m:mathPr></w:WordDocument> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:latentstyles deflockedstate="false" defunhidewhenused="true" defsemihidden="true" defqformat="false" defpriority="99" latentstylecount="267"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="0" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" qformat="true" name="Normal"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="9" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" qformat="true" name="heading 1"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="9" qformat="true" name="heading 2"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="9" qformat="true" name="heading 3"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="9" qformat="true" name="heading 4"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="9" qformat="true" name="heading 5"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="9" qformat="true" name="heading 6"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="9" qformat="true" name="heading 7"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="9" qformat="true" name="heading 8"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="9" qformat="true" name="heading 9"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="39" name="toc 1"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="39" name="toc 2"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="39" name="toc 3"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="39" name="toc 4"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="39" name="toc 5"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="39" name="toc 6"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="39" name="toc 7"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="39" name="toc 8"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="39" name="toc 9"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="35" qformat="true" name="caption"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="10" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" qformat="true" name="Title"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="1" name="Default Paragraph Font"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="11" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" qformat="true" name="Subtitle"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="22" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" qformat="true" name="Strong"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="20" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" qformat="true" name="Emphasis"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="59" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Table Grid"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Placeholder Text"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="1" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" qformat="true" name="No Spacing"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="60" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Light Shading"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="61" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Light List"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="62" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Light Grid"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="63" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Shading 1"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="64" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Shading 2"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="65" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium List 1"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="66" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium List 2"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="67" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Grid 1"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="68" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Grid 2"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="69" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Grid 3"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="70" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Dark List"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="71" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Colorful Shading"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="72" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Colorful List"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="73" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Colorful Grid"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="60" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Light Shading Accent 1"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="61" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Light List Accent 1"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="62" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Light Grid Accent 1"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="63" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 1"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="64" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 1"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="65" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium List 1 Accent 1"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Revision"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="34" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" qformat="true" name="List Paragraph"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="29" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" qformat="true" name="Quote"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="30" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" qformat="true" name="Intense Quote"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="66" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium List 2 Accent 1"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="67" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 1"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="68" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 1"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="69" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 1"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="70" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Dark List Accent 1"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="71" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Colorful Shading Accent 1"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="72" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Colorful List Accent 1"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="73" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Colorful Grid Accent 1"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="60" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Light Shading Accent 2"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="61" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Light List Accent 2"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="62" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Light Grid Accent 2"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="63" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 2"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="64" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 2"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="65" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium List 1 Accent 2"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="66" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium List 2 Accent 2"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="67" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 2"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="68" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 2"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="69" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 2"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="70" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Dark List Accent 2"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="71" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Colorful Shading Accent 2"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="72" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Colorful List Accent 2"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="73" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Colorful Grid Accent 2"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="60" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Light Shading Accent 3"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="61" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Light List Accent 3"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="62" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Light Grid Accent 3"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="63" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 3"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="64" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 3"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="65" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium List 1 Accent 3"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="66" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium List 2 Accent 3"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="67" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 3"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="68" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 3"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="69" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 3"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="70" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Dark List Accent 3"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="71" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Colorful Shading Accent 3"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="72" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Colorful List Accent 3"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="73" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Colorful Grid Accent 3"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="60" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Light Shading Accent 4"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="61" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Light List Accent 4"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="62" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Light Grid Accent 4"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="63" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 4"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="64" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 4"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="65" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium List 1 Accent 4"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="66" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium List 2 Accent 4"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="67" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 4"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="68" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 4"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="69" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 4"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="70" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Dark List Accent 4"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="71" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Colorful Shading Accent 4"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="72" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Colorful List Accent 4"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="73" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Colorful Grid Accent 4"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="60" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Light Shading Accent 5"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="61" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Light List Accent 5"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="62" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Light Grid Accent 5"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="63" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 5"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="64" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 5"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="65" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium List 1 Accent 5"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="66" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium List 2 Accent 5"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="67" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 5"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="68" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 5"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="69" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 5"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="70" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Dark List Accent 5"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="71" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Colorful Shading Accent 5"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="72" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Colorful List Accent 5"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="73" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Colorful Grid Accent 5"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="60" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Light Shading Accent 6"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="61" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Light List Accent 6"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="62" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Light Grid Accent 6"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="63" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 6"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="64" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 6"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="65" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium List 1 Accent 6"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="66" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium List 2 Accent 6"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="67" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 6"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="68" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 6"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="69" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 6"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="70" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Dark List Accent 6"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="71" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Colorful Shading Accent 6"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="72" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Colorful List Accent 6"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="73" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Colorful Grid Accent 6"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="19" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" qformat="true" name="Subtle Emphasis"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="21" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" qformat="true" name="Intense Emphasis"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="31" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" qformat="true" name="Subtle Reference"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="32" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" qformat="true" name="Intense Reference"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="33" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" qformat="true" name="Book Title"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="37" name="Bibliography"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="39" qformat="true" name="TOC Heading"> </w:LatentStyles> </xml><![endif]--><style> <!-- /* Font Definitions */ @font-face {font-family:"Cambria Math"; panose-1:2 4 5 3 5 4 6 3 2 4; mso-font-charset:1; mso-generic-font-family:roman; mso-font-format:other; mso-font-pitch:variable; mso-font-signature:0 0 0 0 0 0;} @font-face {font-family:Calibri; panose-1:2 15 5 2 2 2 4 3 2 4; mso-font-charset:0; mso-generic-font-family:swiss; mso-font-pitch:variable; mso-font-signature:-1610611985 1073750139 0 0 159 0;} /* Style Definitions */ p.MsoNormal, li.MsoNormal, div.MsoNormal {mso-style-unhide:no; mso-style-qformat:yes; mso-style-parent:""; margin-top:0in; margin-right:0in; margin-bottom:10.0pt; margin-left:0in; line-height:115%; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:11.0pt; font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family:Calibri; mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi;} .MsoChpDefault {mso-style-type:export-only; mso-default-props:yes; mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family:Calibri; mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi;} .MsoPapDefault {mso-style-type:export-only; margin-bottom:10.0pt; line-height:115%;} @page Section1 {size:8.5in 11.0in; margin:1.0in 1.0in 1.0in 1.0in; mso-header-margin:.5in; mso-footer-margin:.5in; mso-paper-source:0;} div.Section1 {page:Section1;} --> </style><!--[if gte mso 10]> <style> /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-priority:99; mso-style-qformat:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; mso-para-margin-top:0in; mso-para-margin-right:0in; mso-para-margin-bottom:10.0pt; mso-para-margin-left:0in; line-height:115%; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:11.0pt; font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;} </style> <![endif]--> <p class="MsoNormal">Dear Honey Bunches of Oats with Cinnamon Bunches:</p><p class="MsoNormal">I love you.<span style=""> </span>You are delicious.<span style=""> </span>But if we are going to have a beautiful relationship together, we need to start with honesty.<span style=""> </span>You are overkill.<span style=""> </span>When I tell people about how delicious you are, I’m going to sound like an idiot because that’s what your name does to me.<span style=""> </span>“Honey Bunches of Oats with Cinnamon <i style="">BUNCHES</i>.”<span style=""> </span>Really?<span style=""> </span>Did the marketing team of Post cereal, Honey Bunches of Oats division, even have a meeting when you were developed?<span style=""> </span>Or was someone just like, “Hey, we have this new cereal with cinnamon bunches; what should we call it?”<span style=""> </span>And the rest of the team was like, “Just say ‘with Cinnamon Bunches.”<span style=""> </span>Didn’t ONE person stand up in that meeting and go, “But we already have ‘Bunches’ in the name…isn’t that a little redundant?”<span style=""> </span>I have to think that someone at least <i style="">thought</i> it.<span style=""> </span>Is your company full of spineless zombie lemmings?<span style=""> </span>No one in your entire corporation knows any synonyms for “bunches?”<span style=""> </span>I think that should be a job requirement.<span style=""> </span>“Clusters” is an excellent alternative.<span style=""> </span>It’s perfect; the cinnamon parts are totally cluster-like.<span style=""> </span>Or you could really change it up and go for something entirely different.<span style=""> </span>I mean, I don’t have a marketing degree or even much of a marketing mindset, but you totally could have set yourself apart as this new, completely awesome cereal in the cereal aisle if you had gone with an advertising approach where you crossed out Honey and wrote in “Cinnamon!” (With or without the exclamation mark, it’s up to you.<span style=""> </span>I’m not the marketing guru here.<span style=""> </span>Then again, neither is your team of geniuses, apparently.)<span style=""> </span>Then instead of your consumer walking down the cereal aisle and saying, “Oh my word, seriously? Has Honey Bunches of Oats come out with ANOTHER variety?<span style=""> </span>When is this going to stop?!”<span style=""> </span>they will be saying, “Wait, is this the same thing as the other ones?<span style=""> </span>Is the honey flavor gone entirely?<span style=""> </span>Have they taken out the honey bunches?<span style=""> </span>Did Honey Bunches have to take a mandatory retirement?<span style=""> </span>Was there some sort of big falling-out between Honey and Oats?<span style=""> </span>Did Honey have a scandalous affair with one of the staffers?<span style=""> </span>Are they trying to confuse me by covering it up?<span style=""> </span>Was there an epic battle between Honey and Cinnamon and Cinnamon won and now it’s trying to take over the world one cereal at a time?<span style=""> </span>…I’ll buy some.”<span style=""> </span>See, confusion creates interest, and interest sells cereal.<span style=""> </span>Plus, you don’t put the new part at the end of the title.<span style=""> </span>No one will get that far because people are lazy about reading.<span style=""> </span>Plus PLUS, everyone knows that cinnamon is better than honey.<span style=""> </span>Just saying.</p><p class="MsoNormal">On a final note, we are having another fight now, because I have said the word “bunches” so many times in my head that it doesn’t sound real anymore.<span style=""> </span>Bunches could not possibly be a real word.<span style=""> </span>So thanks for that.<span style=""> </span>
<br /></p><p class="MsoNormal">I’m still eating you again tomorrow morning, though.</p> <p class="MsoNormal">All my love,<o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal">
<br /><o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p>Ashlee</p> Ashlee Lanehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06242462474308686708noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5552652531675930233.post-25372868397520007312010-06-02T18:43:00.004-04:002011-01-26T00:55:01.101-05:00Cheesy choices...REALLY poor, REALLY cheesy choicesOK, remember that post about how much I poop? Yep, we’re revisiting that. Ever so sorry. Thankfully, it’s the opposite of the first post. Still about poop, but about the very real possibility of having much less of it really soon. That seems like it would be a good thing, but it’s not. Let me explain.<br /><br />I have the self control of an un-spayed dog in heat (I realize the fact that she’s un-spayed is completely moot since spayed dogs can’t be in heat, but it’s necessary to get the point across of how very little self control I possess). Well, I thought about what to have for dinner and remembered Roommate saying that I should eat her tortillas so they don’t go bad. I have never heard of tortillas going bad, but at that point I had already made the mistake of letting a teeny thought like “you know what tortillas make? quesadillas” into my head and it buried in like a tick and by that time I had it like herpes and it would never go away and I would never be able to get rid of it until I satisfied it like the nasty little sex offender it was and that’s three mixed metaphors in one sentence and I don’t even care because you need to understand that this complete lack of willpower is a terrible thing keeping me from gaining any sort of self-improvement. Suddenly I had an overpowering NEED to make myself the cheesiest quesadilla ever. Like, there was no way I would be able to go another 2 minutes without gobs of cheese and tortilla in my mouth (not gobs of tortilla, actually; poor syntax which I am again not fixing in my urgency, merely commenting on which may be more time-consuming). OK, we’ll get to why this was a poor choice in the first place later. Really, I probably recognized it then, but I was like a serious meth addict experiencing the worst withdrawal of his life, so bad that he didn’t even remember how awesome meth was but he felt one of those phantom pains about it and there was a very real possibility that he could actually get that real feeling back and he would stab a human baby to remember for real how great meth was even though he knows he just went on a binge of crack and X, and then heroin and blow both on the next day and he really really doesn’t need that meth but he can’t think of ANYTHING ELSE BUT METH. So I went down to the kitchen and got out the “nearly-bad tortillas” (justification? check) and mozzarella AND colby jack cheeses and a pan and went to work on the mo-fo of all quesadillas…which wasn’t epic at all but when meth addicts are really jones-ing for some meth, ANY meth is the mo-fo of all meth. Really, just keep comparing me to a meth addict and this will make a LOT of sense. Even the burns. But I’m getting ahead of myself.<br /><br />I’m also watching “How I Met Your Mother” on my laptop while I’m doing this, which is great but means most of the counter space is taken up and when it comes time to take the 3-lb. quesadilla out and put it on a plate I grab a napkin because I still feel too intrusive in Roommate’s house to use her dishes with any frequency. And with all that cheese came massive amounts of drippy, boiling-hot grease, which I failed to remember until the napkin gave out and the pain sensors in my fingers reminded me and I dropped the quesadilla on my Enter key (ish) but mostly not on my computer (thank GOD!) and I’m trying to bite off some of the cheese oozing out of the side and MASSACRING my tongue because I took it out of the skillet .5 seconds ago. But in my snort-some-meth-powder-I-found-on-a-NY-sidewalk-next-to-a-pile-of-actual-excrement state (I don’t even know if you snort meth or if it ever comes in powder form, so excuse that part) I just didn’t care. And I burned my fingers in about 5 places and my tongue was destroyed. And it was way too much cheese. Like, I could feel my bowels shutting down and making picket signs and striking for 3 days AS I finished the last bite. So, maybe in some weird part of my brain that thinks it’s helping but really doesn’t remember ANYTHING about biology, I thought I was counteracting all the fast-food-induced toilet paper usage by making me crave (and unavoidably eat) something that would stop me up for a week. But now I’ll just want to real bad and be unable to and curse my lack of self-control until I decide ten minutes later that I must eat some Little Caesar’s Crazy Bread THAT INSTANT or I will die. OHHH…remembered something I wish I hadn’t: I had Arby’s mozzarella sticks with lunch. EFFFFFFFF. Really…REALLY?<br /><br />OK, then I was all, “That was a poor choice; no more food tonight. Deal? Deal.” I talk to myself WAY too readily when no one is around. Anyway, about .7 seconds later Roommate comes in and says, “Did you eat?” And I COULD say, “Yes and it was a poor choice so hide all the food ESPECIALLY CHEESE for a week.” But I do not. I say, “Yes, and it was all cheese so I won’t poop for a week. You’re welcome for that. (We’ve know each other a WEEK, by the way) Why do you ask?” And I figure it probably has something to do with going over to her brother’s house because he and his wife are super welcoming and invite me ALL the time and I usually just decline because I’m a real adult now (supposedly) which makes me boring and exhausted and I go to bed at like 10:30. So, she goes, “Oh, well since I’m taking care of Reuben’s cats this weekend he’s treating for Chinese and says you’re welcome to join and use their Internet and he’ll treat you too.” And OF COURSE the response was NOT, “I’ll come for the Internet and because your brother and his wife are super awesome I love them, but I don’t need to eat anything for the rest of the week, let alone the poor choice of Chinese takeout.” No, dear reader, it couldn’t possibly be that. It was, “I’m not that hungry but I’ll totally come anyway if he’s treating!” because it doesn’t matter how full you are, if you are offered a free meal and it is something you love or even tried once and didn’t hate or heard about in a magazine and it sounded edible, and you are a Dutch person, YOU MUST EAT THAT FREE MEAL. This is a Dutch rule. No one even taught me; it is engrained in my being. So I ate 5 lbs. of cheese today and then a whole extra meal that wants so desperately to pass through me very quickly because it’s Chinese and it delivers fast, it gets eaten fast, it digests fast and it leaves fast; but the cheese Nazis and Border Patrol bowels (alliteration NOT intended) have set up a 4-day roadblock and are intent on making me suffer for thinking I can somehow beat the system of natural punishment I deserve when I eat fast food in a meth-addict-reminiscent way (points for spelling that right the first time). “In fact,” says my body, “that’ll be two for <span style="font-size:78%;">(flinching</span>) thinking a wheel of cheese would be the right solution.”<br /><br />Wow. This is really long but I think it’s a good one. Hopefully you stuck with me through that long post and you weren’t like, “Need picture! Too much letters!” Because apparently you all have terrible grammar too. Anyway, wacky things don’t really happen to me, so instead I guess I’ll have to create humor out of the really poor choices I make. Really, though, those write themselves.<br /><br />OK, my work-mind says, “You shouldn’t fall back into your habit of going to bed at 4 am and getting up at noon just because it’s a holiday weekend. You’ll have to be an adult again next week.” But my normal, still-in-college-mode mind is going, “WOO HOO!!! Nothing to do until 1 tomorrow!!! Stay up and watch Glee and maybe a movie or six!!” But I’m going to listen (ish) to my <span style="font-size:78%;">(boring)</span> <span style="font-size:130%;">responsible</span> mind and go to bed after just one teeny little episode of something as of yet undecided.<br /><br />UPDATE: the 10-lb. quesadilla had essentially NO effect on my digestive routines!! Yay! OK, I REALLY will stop talking about poop now. At least for a week.Ashlee Lanehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06242462474308686708noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5552652531675930233.post-76995554544899931762010-05-29T14:07:00.006-04:002010-05-29T14:22:24.606-04:00Too much grease in a week, a.k.a. Kill me nowI’m trying this fad diet. It’s seriously a phenomenon. Like, everyone is trying it. It doesn’t seem to be working, but fad diets rarely do and why should that stop me from trying it too? It’s really messing with my digestion though. Bad. Like, really bad. Anyway, it’s where you eat fast food every day. That’s it. It’s really easy to follow, but again, my body is really upset with me and the amount of toilet paper used in this house has gone seriously crazy. Remember how I said no more Paint drawings? I lied.<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgMND0boS8vmMXmA_0Kvh56_Gnh-km-xrQX4l1K8aH5V_sBHoKOICbrciPCno_nPnb17ZzRS0-HNPbp79Xex2Mm488oKtprbnV4MZu6Uk3yhA-G0uRqFxmJQ8zsSdDXkWVTjffLBzUAJZM/s1600/Graph.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 368px; height: 400px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgMND0boS8vmMXmA_0Kvh56_Gnh-km-xrQX4l1K8aH5V_sBHoKOICbrciPCno_nPnb17ZzRS0-HNPbp79Xex2Mm488oKtprbnV4MZu6Uk3yhA-G0uRqFxmJQ8zsSdDXkWVTjffLBzUAJZM/s400/Graph.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5476757623165218194" /></a><br />That’s right, they’re not even the same type of graph, nor do they show the same thing, nor do they make much sense. The things to grasp from analyzing these horrible graphs are the following:<br /> 1. I use more toilet paper the most people NORMALLY, without eating massive amounts of greasy slop. Not so much in amount per use, but in number of uses daily. I’m so glad you know that now.<br /> 2. Eating fast food on consecutive days ends in misery, or preferably, death. Because then at least Roommate could save money by buying less toilet paper.<br /> 3. Paint graphs/drawings in general take way too much time, and I should be sleeping, because otherwise I end up publishing graphs explaining how often I poop <span style="font-style:italic;">on the Internet.</span>Ashlee Lanehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06242462474308686708noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5552652531675930233.post-77129866680426117832010-05-29T00:49:00.003-04:002010-05-29T00:56:29.973-04:00Possibly discovered I am an Idiot Savant...but then where's the Savant part?My bathroom routine tonight was just one thing after another reminding me that I had no business having a GPA as high as I did when I graduated. I wiped my face after I washed it and looked down at the towel and saw a little blood. Convinced I was bleeding out of my eye, I quickly wiped again and saw nothing. I thought I must have been wiping in the wrong part of my eye, because there was no other explanation for what I saw except that I was bleeding out of my eye. A-ha!! There was the blood again! I looked in the mirror (which, other than the fact that the probability of my eye bleeding is REALLY small, the small detail that I was seeing out of both my eyes should have alerted me to the error of my thinking), and then I remembered that I had just popped a pimple in the eye/bridge-of-nose region. And then I felt really dumb.<br /><br />But wait, there’s more!<br /><br />I was brushing my teeth when something else happened that makes the prospect that my teachers just felt really sorry for me because I tried so hard and thought I was so smart so they passed me a very real possibility. Background: I am blind. OK, I almost wrote, “Like, LEGIT blind” when I realized that’s not at all legit and I was going to give my (again, sarcastic number) millions of readers a very wrong picture of myself. I’m very very very nearsighted. This is more realistic but also less dramatic. However, this story will demonstrate 1) my utter stupidity and, 2) more informatively, the severity of my nearsightedness. I had already taken out my contacts and was brushing my teeth when I felt a hair on or near my mouth. Or possibly a wayward bristle poking me in the lip. I reached for it without looking in the mirror first, and got nothing. But I felt it again and tried to grab it again. Still nothing. Now I was getting irritated, so I went to look in the mirror to figure out what the crap this was. Again, very nearsighted person that I am, I have to get REALLY close to the mirror to see myself clearly. In the process of getting near enough to see the hair/bristle to pull it out of my mouth, I got too close and stabbed myself in the gum with my toothbrush, successfully making me feel like a mental patient who needs an orderly to brush their teeth for them and remind them not to swallow the paste or choke on the brush, since I forgot in a mere 2 seconds that I had a toothbrush sticking out at a 90⁰ angle from my mouth and getting close to a sheet of glass with my face might be a bad idea. This begs the obvious and unfathomable question: HOW AM I A COLLEGE GRADUATE? OK, that is actually not that difficult to accomplish, I guess. Lots of real idiots graduate from college. Better question: HOW DO THEY (the vague, inscrutable <span style="font-style:italic;">they</span>) EXPECT ME TO BE AN ADULT??? I CAN’T BRUSH MY TEETH WITHOUT STABBING MY FACE!!! Figure that one out and you get a cookie. Unless I picked up a reader outside of a 10 miles radius from my current position, because I'm not mailing you ONE COOKIE. Buy yourself one and claim it's from the super cool blogger chick you "know" and then you'll be promoting me too. You get cookie; I get promotion. Everyone wins.Ashlee Lanehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06242462474308686708noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5552652531675930233.post-34780360011523708832010-05-27T19:48:00.006-04:002010-05-27T22:17:17.151-04:00Sometimes You Just Gotta Change It Up<meta equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=utf-8"><meta name="ProgId" content="Word.Document"><meta name="Generator" content="Microsoft Word 12"><meta name="Originator" content="Microsoft Word 12"><link rel="File-List" href="file:///C:%5CUsers%5CASHLEE%7E1.LAN%5CAppData%5CLocal%5CTemp%5Cmsohtmlclip1%5C01%5Cclip_filelist.xml"><link rel="Edit-Time-Data" href="file:///C:%5CUsers%5CASHLEE%7E1.LAN%5CAppData%5CLocal%5CTemp%5Cmsohtmlclip1%5C01%5Cclip_editdata.mso"><!--[if !mso]> <style> v\:* {behavior:url(#default#VML);} o\:* {behavior:url(#default#VML);} w\:* {behavior:url(#default#VML);} .shape {behavior:url(#default#VML);} </style> <![endif]--><link rel="themeData" href="file:///C:%5CUsers%5CASHLEE%7E1.LAN%5CAppData%5CLocal%5CTemp%5Cmsohtmlclip1%5C01%5Cclip_themedata.thmx"><link rel="colorSchemeMapping" href="file:///C:%5CUsers%5CASHLEE%7E1.LAN%5CAppData%5CLocal%5CTemp%5Cmsohtmlclip1%5C01%5Cclip_colorschememapping.xml"><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:worddocument> <w:view>Normal</w:View> <w:zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:trackmoves>false</w:TrackMoves> <w:trackformatting/> <w:punctuationkerning/> <w:validateagainstschemas/> <w:saveifxmlinvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:ignoremixedcontent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:alwaysshowplaceholdertext>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w:donotpromoteqf/> <w:lidthemeother>EN-US</w:LidThemeOther> <w:lidthemeasian>X-NONE</w:LidThemeAsian> <w:lidthemecomplexscript>X-NONE</w:LidThemeComplexScript> <w:compatibility> <w:breakwrappedtables/> <w:snaptogridincell/> <w:wraptextwithpunct/> <w:useasianbreakrules/> <w:dontgrowautofit/> <w:splitpgbreakandparamark/> <w:dontvertaligncellwithsp/> <w:dontbreakconstrainedforcedtables/> <w:dontvertalignintxbx/> <w:word11kerningpairs/> <w:cachedcolbalance/> </w:Compatibility> <m:mathpr> <m:mathfont val="Cambria Math"> <m:brkbin val="before"> <m:brkbinsub val="--"> <m:smallfrac val="off"> <m:dispdef/> <m:lmargin val="0"> <m:rmargin val="0"> <m:defjc val="centerGroup"> <m:wrapindent val="1440"> <m:intlim val="subSup"> <m:narylim val="undOvr"> </m:mathPr></w:WordDocument> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:latentstyles deflockedstate="false" defunhidewhenused="true" defsemihidden="true" defqformat="false" defpriority="99" latentstylecount="267"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="0" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" qformat="true" name="Normal"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="9" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" qformat="true" name="heading 1"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="9" qformat="true" name="heading 2"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="9" qformat="true" name="heading 3"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="9" qformat="true" name="heading 4"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="9" qformat="true" name="heading 5"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="9" qformat="true" name="heading 6"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="9" qformat="true" name="heading 7"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="9" qformat="true" name="heading 8"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="9" qformat="true" name="heading 9"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="39" name="toc 1"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="39" name="toc 2"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="39" name="toc 3"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="39" name="toc 4"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="39" name="toc 5"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="39" name="toc 6"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="39" name="toc 7"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="39" name="toc 8"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="39" name="toc 9"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="35" qformat="true" name="caption"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="10" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" qformat="true" name="Title"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="1" name="Default Paragraph Font"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="11" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" qformat="true" name="Subtitle"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="22" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" qformat="true" name="Strong"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="20" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" qformat="true" name="Emphasis"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="59" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Table Grid"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Placeholder Text"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="1" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" qformat="true" name="No Spacing"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="60" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Light Shading"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="61" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Light List"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="62" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Light Grid"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="63" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Shading 1"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="64" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Shading 2"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="65" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium List 1"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="66" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium List 2"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="67" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Grid 1"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="68" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Grid 2"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="69" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Grid 3"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="70" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Dark List"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="71" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Colorful Shading"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="72" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Colorful List"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="73" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Colorful Grid"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="60" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Light Shading Accent 1"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="61" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Light List Accent 1"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="62" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Light Grid Accent 1"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="63" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 1"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="64" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 1"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="65" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium List 1 Accent 1"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Revision"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="34" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" qformat="true" name="List Paragraph"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="29" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" qformat="true" name="Quote"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="30" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" qformat="true" name="Intense Quote"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="66" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium List 2 Accent 1"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="67" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 1"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="68" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 1"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="69" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 1"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="70" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Dark List Accent 1"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="71" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Colorful Shading Accent 1"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="72" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Colorful List Accent 1"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="73" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Colorful Grid Accent 1"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="60" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Light Shading Accent 2"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="61" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Light List Accent 2"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="62" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Light Grid Accent 2"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="63" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 2"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="64" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 2"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="65" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium List 1 Accent 2"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="66" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium List 2 Accent 2"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="67" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 2"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="68" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 2"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="69" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 2"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="70" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Dark List Accent 2"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="71" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Colorful Shading Accent 2"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="72" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Colorful List Accent 2"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="73" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Colorful Grid Accent 2"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="60" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Light Shading Accent 3"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="61" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Light List Accent 3"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="62" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Light Grid Accent 3"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="63" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 3"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="64" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 3"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="65" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium List 1 Accent 3"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="66" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium List 2 Accent 3"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="67" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 3"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="68" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 3"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="69" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 3"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="70" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Dark List Accent 3"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="71" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Colorful Shading Accent 3"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="72" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Colorful List Accent 3"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="73" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Colorful Grid Accent 3"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="60" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Light Shading Accent 4"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="61" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Light List Accent 4"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="62" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Light Grid Accent 4"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="63" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 4"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="64" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 4"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="65" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium List 1 Accent 4"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="66" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium List 2 Accent 4"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="67" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 4"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="68" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 4"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="69" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 4"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="70" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Dark List Accent 4"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="71" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Colorful Shading Accent 4"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="72" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Colorful List Accent 4"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="73" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Colorful Grid Accent 4"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="60" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Light Shading Accent 5"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="61" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Light List Accent 5"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="62" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Light Grid Accent 5"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="63" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 5"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="64" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 5"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="65" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium List 1 Accent 5"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="66" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium List 2 Accent 5"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="67" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 5"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="68" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 5"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="69" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 5"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="70" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Dark List Accent 5"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="71" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Colorful Shading Accent 5"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="72" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Colorful List Accent 5"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="73" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Colorful Grid Accent 5"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="60" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Light Shading Accent 6"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="61" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Light List Accent 6"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="62" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Light Grid Accent 6"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="63" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 6"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="64" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 6"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="65" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium List 1 Accent 6"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="66" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium List 2 Accent 6"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="67" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 6"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="68" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 6"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="69" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 6"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="70" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Dark List Accent 6"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="71" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Colorful Shading Accent 6"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="72" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Colorful List Accent 6"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="73" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Colorful Grid Accent 6"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="19" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" qformat="true" name="Subtle Emphasis"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="21" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" qformat="true" name="Intense Emphasis"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="31" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" qformat="true" name="Subtle Reference"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="32" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" qformat="true" name="Intense Reference"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="33" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" qformat="true" name="Book Title"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="37" name="Bibliography"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="39" qformat="true" name="TOC Heading"> </w:LatentStyles> </xml><![endif]--><style> <!-- /* Font Definitions */ @font-face {font-family:"Cambria Math"; panose-1:2 4 5 3 5 4 6 3 2 4; mso-font-charset:0; mso-generic-font-family:roman; mso-font-pitch:variable; mso-font-signature:-1610611985 1107304683 0 0 159 0;} @font-face {font-family:Calibri; panose-1:2 15 5 2 2 2 4 3 2 4; mso-font-charset:0; mso-generic-font-family:swiss; mso-font-pitch:variable; mso-font-signature:-1610611985 1073750139 0 0 159 0;} /* Style Definitions */ p.MsoNormal, li.MsoNormal, div.MsoNormal {mso-style-unhide:no; mso-style-qformat:yes; mso-style-parent:""; margin-top:0in; margin-right:0in; margin-bottom:10.0pt; margin-left:0in; line-height:115%; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:11.0pt; font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family:Calibri; mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi;} .MsoChpDefault {mso-style-type:export-only; mso-default-props:yes; mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family:Calibri; mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi;} .MsoPapDefault {mso-style-type:export-only; margin-bottom:10.0pt; line-height:115%;} @page Section1 {size:8.5in 11.0in; margin:1.0in 1.0in 1.0in 1.0in; mso-header-margin:.5in; mso-footer-margin:.5in; mso-paper-source:0;} div.Section1 {page:Section1;} --> </style><!--[if gte mso 10]> <style> /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-priority:99; mso-style-qformat:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; mso-para-margin-top:0in; mso-para-margin-right:0in; mso-para-margin-bottom:10.0pt; mso-para-margin-left:0in; line-height:115%; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:11.0pt; font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;} </style> <![endif]--> <p class="MsoNormal">So, I have decided this is going to be a funny blog.<span style=""> </span>Why, my multitudinous (note: sarcasm) readership might ask?<span style=""> </span>Because another blogger has inspired me (side note: I’m really impressed that MS Word recognizes the word “blogger”).<span style=""> </span>Now, I realize I’m not that funny.<span style=""> </span>You quickly will too.<span style=""> </span>But l have random observations that people seem to find slightly humorous.<span style=""> </span>Or they’re really polite and laugh anyway.<span style=""> </span>Crap…that’s what I do to my dad.<span style=""> </span>So this is probably going to flop.<span style=""> </span>But oh well.<span style=""> </span>I’ll be entertained for sure.</p> <p class="MsoNormal">You know how people on TV or in movies go, “Oh, I’m just too busy for a relationship right now.<span style=""> </span>I’m focusing on my career,” but you know they’re just lying because it’s a chick flick and she really does want a boyfriend because you saw the trailer and you know she falls for this guy who seems like a jerk but has a heart of gold and she’s just saying that because she’s lonely but she’s sick of all the blind dates her friends make her go on?<span style=""> </span>Well, in the REAL world (where I’m unfortunately finding myself), that can actually be a legit excuse.<span style=""> </span>For example, I want someone to hold my hand and watch movies with me and buy me dinner (dear LORD do I ever want someone to buy my poor butt some dinner), but I have ZERO time to give to that hypothetical guy who, if he did all that crap, would totally deserve a lot of my time.<span style=""> </span>I mean, I want a puppy too—for many of the same reasons as a boyfriend, hand-holding included—but it’s unfair to the poor little guy who just wants me to scratch his ears and fill his dish and take him for walks, and I’m out making a pittance and sucking up to crazy people at work to give him all that.<span style=""> </span>Again, all those things I described could also go with a boyfriend.<span style=""> </span>OK, I am no longer sure if I’m talking about a puppy or a man, so it’s time to stop.</p> <p class="MsoNormal">UPDATE:<span style=""> </span>I definitely should have had a better transition between my two paragraphs.<span style=""> </span>It totally sounded like I introduced then started a comedy routine, and for the life of me I couldn’t read that second paragraph any other way except like a stand-up routine…too Seinfeld.<span style=""> </span>Gotta work on that.<span style=""> </span>Also, MS Word also knows “Seinfeld.”<span style=""> </span>And yet it freaks out on my name.<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgDSFNAk8_4lH9mVsvuZ-pUeCIC3blO1PscJj9babCDbD5oQJvZY2nFPU4UN5pBRFnyVP7jOfAdN-dpRQmSJi_YFl7_t3XG7Ck3Bc7_Wktq19rWd-xYX-aQglYz_xlmFzLsH8sPo8sUbu4/s1600/Angry.jpg"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 224px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgDSFNAk8_4lH9mVsvuZ-pUeCIC3blO1PscJj9babCDbD5oQJvZY2nFPU4UN5pBRFnyVP7jOfAdN-dpRQmSJi_YFl7_t3XG7Ck3Bc7_Wktq19rWd-xYX-aQglYz_xlmFzLsH8sPo8sUbu4/s400/Angry.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5476102602247694210" border="0" /></a></p><img src="file:///C:/Users/ASHLEE%7E1.LAN/AppData/Local/Temp/moz-screenshot-1.png" alt="" /><img src="file:///C:/Users/ASHLEE%7E1.LAN/AppData/Local/Temp/moz-screenshot-2.png" alt="" />
<br /><p class="MsoNormal"> Word’s all “WTF? Just add it to my dictionary.”
<br /> And I’m like “That’s not the point.<span style=""> </span>…Fine.”</p> <p class="MsoNormal">Update #2: While it is fun to use Paint to draw cartoons about how I feel toward computer programs who are not as fixated on my importance as I am, I think I’m just embarrassing myself and I think I’m going to stop.<span style=""> </span>Future testing of theory to follow. </p> Ashlee Lanehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06242462474308686708noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5552652531675930233.post-69827327680104106442010-04-20T00:14:00.003-04:002010-04-20T00:27:54.873-04:00W-OOOOO-WSometimes life really surprises you. And sometimes it goes exactly like you expected it to go.<br /><br />I could end it there and it would totally explain how I feel without going into too much detail.<br /><br />I thought this was a safe place to air out my wounded heart and overflowing mind. Apparently NOTHING IS SAFE. And I thought the government was intrusive.<br /><br />I knew the wonderfully tense silence couldn't last forever. I hoped against hope that it would, though.<br /><br />Final projects are due this week: huge History paper due in 12 hours. Not a big deal except that sleep is supposed to occur between then and now. Final Astronomy project due in 18 hours. Very doable, just gotta sit down and find the gumption to do it. Final pottery project due in 40 hours. Not all that bad, except that the building that I need to get into is locked, and then I have a full day of doing the aforementioned final projects as well. After all that, home free. Just 5 performances of the spring musical stand between me and total freedom and boredom until graduation. And that's not even a burden...that's AWESOME. I LOVE IT. It's kind of sad, though, that that's all I have before I'm totally done with my college experience.<br /><br />Although it's apparently unsafe to become vulnerable on this site now, I will sort of do so, with the promise to expound more later when I don't have 7 pages to write and no idea what to say. My roommate and I have been talking for the past week about how terrified we are to graduate. Sure, it's exciting...any underclassmen asks me how I feel about graduation and I'll lie and say, "Oh my gosh I'm so happy to be done!" But NO ONE is telling us what to do with our lives anymore. What's the next step?? It can be ANYTHING. Is that supposed to be liberating?? Because it's just bewildering. Is any step a wrong step? How am I supposed to know which is the right step to take? What if I RUIN my life with one of my decisions? Classes, advising, meal plans...all mapped out for you to just follow the steps. This equals: awesome. An open road ahead of you, people telling you that you can do whatever you want now? This equal: terror and night sweats.<br /><br />Ugh...7 pages calls me. And as much as I hate the assignment, I want to answer that call, because it'll be the last long college paper of my career, and it's something that I've been prepared for. The future will be waiting on hold for a while...I don't know what to say to it.Ashlee Lanehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06242462474308686708noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5552652531675930233.post-3760818261654155582010-03-30T02:58:00.003-04:002010-03-30T03:16:00.602-04:00It's a Quarter after One...<span style="font-family:arial;">OK....it's not ACTUALLY a quarter after one. Instead, it's THREE. Yes, A.M. And yes, I'm insane. I just got done doing something totally ridiculous and crazy, and therefore not completely out of character. It concerns my housing for this summer. I'll say more later, if anything (or even nothing) comes of it.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">So, I feel pretty bad saying what I said about my ex-fiance's new girlfriend. Not bad enough to take it down, because let's face it, who reads this anyway?...but pretty bad. Probably only because I haven't seen him on campus recently, so the anger is getting tamped down pretty well. And because I'm losing weight and looking good and a freshman has a crush on me and I got hit on when I volunteered at the Animal Shelter on Saturday. So feeling good about myself means that I don't need to feel angry toward him. What a revelation. I am SO my own therapist. Now I just wish someone would pay me $200 an hour to tell them what they already know about themselves if they just think hard, like any other therapist.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">Which brings me to the next bit...no, not therapy. My awesome Fort Wayne internship, with all the people I love from fall, pays LESS than my minimum wage retail job at Charlotte Russe. That's right, folks!...a college grad and I'm making $6.25 an hour at a full time job. So I have NO hopes of getting an apartment, and therefore no cat, and no real independence, and skrimping and cutting back, and not traveling too much and....ARGH. Oh well, as much as I'm freaking out, the ONLY good news is that it's in God's hands. And that is QUITE good news. So I'll just leave it there. And to the hopefully generous hearts of strangers. Again...time will tell.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">Other stuff: I LOVE POTTERY. It's such an expensive hobby outside of Grace, where all the clay, wheels, tools, and glazes are provided at a mere 40 cents per pound of clay fired. I wish I had the money to keep it up after graduation...clearly I will not. I'm getting PRETTY good. But it was tough to watch all these potters on YouTube (I was getting ideas for stuff to try) do these really complicated bits in like 7 minutes, and then go to the lab and NOT rush ridiculously fast like them. Because rushing does not a pot make...just a lump of misshapen, mauled clay. *sigh* I love it so much.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">OK, I could go on and on about my mundane life, but it is now 3:15, and I still have 30 pages to read by 8:30 this morning...so five hours...so probably getting about 4 hours of sleep tonight. Awesome. Yep, I'm a real moron sometimes.</span><br /><br /><span style=";font-family:arial;font-size:85%;" ><br /></span><span style=";font-family:arial;font-size:85%;" >...But watching 5 episodes of Heroes was so worth it...</span><span style="font-family:arial;font-size:85%;">shhhh...</span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;"></span>Ashlee Lanehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06242462474308686708noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5552652531675930233.post-76739001676307865352010-03-20T13:56:00.004-04:002010-03-20T14:19:52.205-04:00YuckSo, Spring Break is here...and sadly almost gone already. I have only three or four more days. I'm not actually sure how many because my car is in the shop and can't be fixed until Monday MAYBE, Tuesday probably. So that really sucks because I can't miss that much school, I don't want to take my parents' gas guzzling SUV, and I don't want to leave my car here AGAIN and bum a ride off someone going to back to school. They're all bad options.<br /><br />But some good news: Break was really busy. I got to see two movies with my mom, I got to see a bunch of my friends, my mom bought me some clothes for the summer job yesterday, and I even had a date. Yeah, nothing's going to come of that, but it was fun to have someone actually be interested. You know, like people in the real world would be for a girl like me (har har), but the idiots at Grace are too blind to see it. Actually, on St. Patty's Day I was alone for an hour while I waited for my friends, and I got hit on by two different guys. So that was fun too. Again, real world vs. Grace: Grace, stupid people who don't know how to talk to pretty girls; real world, real men. No brainer as to where I want to be in a month.<br /><br />In other just-shoot-me news, my ex-fiance and his new slut made it Facebook official. I've just heard so many slutty (Grace-slutty, not actual sleeping around slutty) stories about her that I just laugh and feel bad for him...OK, I don't feel bad because he deserves a really bad rebound for breaking my heart so badly and for being so stupid about getting a new girlfriend that fast. But I would feel bad if I had the capacity to feel bad for him.<br /><br />OK, enough rant. I promised this blog wouldn't be about that. I did say already that I probably got the summer internship in Fort Wayne, but it's official now!!!!...so I have a plan for summer. Unfortunately that's not enough for my mother. I hate that. I am so far ahead of most of my senior class colleagues as far as having a job lined up, and that's still not good enough. "What about in the fall?" I don't know!!! That's 5 months away; something will come up by then. I guess she didn't realize I'm going to take a year off school. Or maybe not...I just don't know. I seriously don't want to be off insurance for a whole year, but I don't think I'm going to get everything in on time for law schools; LSAT prep course, LSAT test, applications. Not to mention, where would I live when I get into Cooley? (I say when because it's not hard to get into) I certainly don't want to live at home again, but I'm afraid that all of the money I make this summer will be going toward a new car...poor Connie is on her last leg...wheel. Anyway, she's almost dead. So, no rent money once I come back to MI. And I don't want to get a part-time retail job after having a full-time, well-paying job this summer. I mean, I'll do what I have to, but YUCK.<br /><br />The other YUCK for which this post is named: It's snowing here. YES, snowing. After 3 days of walking around outside without a coat, SNOW. Yuck.<br /><br />I forgot to update from the last post: the Pottery wheel-throwing NO LONGER SUCKS!! Some Pottery 2 students were in the lab one night, I asked them for helped, they watched me and gave me pointers. That 6 inch cylinder didn't stand a chance after that. It was OK, but then during class Prof Nieter said that it wasn't due for actually another week, so I decided to try again. I cut the second one in half (we're supposed to) in front of him and he said it was PERFECT and to give myself a perfect score. So I'm pretty stoked about Pottery again. Aaaaannd...now I'm going to go back to Grace and have forgotten it all.Ashlee Lanehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06242462474308686708noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5552652531675930233.post-18929270871250574732010-03-02T11:55:00.003-05:002010-03-02T12:20:43.244-05:00Oot! Oot! Oot?So, some really exciting news that at the same time is sad. I got the lead in the musical!! I'm very excited about it, but at the same time that means my closest friend Christi didn't get it. But she still has a part, so that's good. It's a weird-personalities-but-musically-talented cast. I'm not the biggest fan of all the people that got in, but there are some redeeming people too. So that's very awesome.<br /><br />Additionally, my class got cancelled today, due to my professor apparently being in an accident. I hope she's OK, but I really can't stand her teaching, so I'm glad the class is cancelled. And she was obviously well enough to write the email, so I'm just going to count this as a blessing.<br /><br />The visit with my parents went well, except that I told them I was no longer in favor of capital punishment and they JUMPED down my throat and called me a perfect Catholic (this was meant as an insult since we are Baptists) and said that I didn't have a clue what I was talking about because murderers and rapists just soak up our tax dollars sitting in prison for 50 years, and I automatically must be against guns and self defense and probably war by extension. To which I must simply go, "HUH?!?! Are you serious???" OK, an explanation of my view is important now: I am against it on Christian moral grounds. I don't care about the "dignity of human life" argument--they really deserve whatever the state throws at them for their awful crimes. But since when should a Christian support anything because it's what someone deserves? Really, THAT'S the message you get out of the Gospel? Save people from hell, but then kill them if they violate some of the more important Commandments? I just don't get how the two are congruent. Then again, I don't get how a Christian can actually HATE a gay person, or anyone else for that matter. Different topic for a different day. Anyway, yes, murderers and rapists deserve death, and yes, keeping them in prison for life is incredibly expensive, but I just can't condone it. How is the current system right? You killed someone, and now our solution is more death? As I tell people who take the opposite view (MOST in my life), the justice in me wants it to be OK, but the Christian just knows it isn't.<br /><br />OK, down off the soapbox I come. In less heated news, I was planning on a ridiculously busy day. Today's schedule went something like this: class, chapel, lunch, homework, class, rehearsal, class, cast party. Now that the second class is out of the picture, I'm going to take a short nap, POSSIBLY work out, and do homework. As I thank God again for that cancelled class that made this possible.<br /><br />In other news, I talked to the guy in charge of hiring for this summer internship I want in Fort Wayne and it sounds like I just might get it!! Now, whether it will pay enough is still in question, so even if I get it I might have to turn it down. I need $12/hr to make enough for an actual full-time, post-graduate job. But I love the people at that office and I love the area, so I hope they offer me a position with enough salary.<br /><br />And lastly, the ex-fiance/new girlfriend situation is as WRETCHED as ever. I just can't stand her face. her gum-smile. her laugh. her hand in his. Why I look, I can't answer myself that. I just do, and it's another reason to get me the hell off this campus. BUT, there's another girl on campus who just went through a broken engagement like seriously within a month of mine, and she just Facebook messaged me last night and said she was praying for me. Out of the blue--don't know this girl at all, apart from knowing that her fiance, this other guy I don't know, broke off their engagement. It was super sweet and encouraging to know that someone who knows EXACTLY (minus new girlfriend) what I'm going through is praying for ME and not just her own healing. It put me in my current wallowing, depressed place for sure.<br /><br />So, that's the update. Also, the wheel-throwing in Pottery is still SUCKING. I'm not getting better, but hopefully I'll use this week to improve (fingers crossed!).Ashlee Lanehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06242462474308686708noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5552652531675930233.post-89410946695249730422010-02-25T21:54:00.002-05:002010-02-25T22:05:24.421-05:00No news...is it really good news?Yep, as you might have guessed, still no word on the musical cast. Well, SOME word...we know some people that are in the cast, but no word on Christi and me yet. Speaking of which, I have no idea where that child is. Everytime one of us comes into the room and the other one's already there, it's really awkward until the one in the room says, "Nope, still no news." Then there's a sigh of relief and frustration. Haha...yes, it's a weird situation.<br /><br /> So, the second weekend of Christi's show starts tomorrow. Which reminds me, I really need to get tickets for my family. However, since the school was unbelievably uncool and scheduled a dance for tomorrow night, I'm thinking tickets might not be an issue. Still, I should get them.<br /><br /> In other news, I have thus far lost 8 pounds in my quest to get skinny by graduation. I'm pretty excited about it, though I still have around 20 pounds until my goal weight. 30 really, but I'm being realistic and not really expecting to weigh 140. (If you do some math, you can figure out how much I weigh and weighed...please don't) I really want to look good for when my family gets here tomorrow, so hopefully they will say something without any prompting.<br /><br /> Another thing I wanted to accomplish by the time my family arrived has definitely not happened. Our Pottery class learned to throw on the wheel last night in class, and I really wanted to be able to make a cylinder while they watched. Yeah, that's definitely not happening. I probably won't even show them anything on the wheel. Just the stuff I handbuilt so far. So...yeah...<br /><br /> I am oddly really tired. I realize it's only 10 pm, and I'm a TERRIBLE night owl. It could be getting up at 8, getting 5 hours of restless sleep, taking a nap in the middle of the day, or burning 750 calories at the Rec Center...but for some reason, I'm uber tired. Oh well, the world may never know.<br /><br />Just like we may never know about the stupid cast. ARGH!Ashlee Lanehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06242462474308686708noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5552652531675930233.post-15747681718663645312010-02-23T20:47:00.002-05:002010-02-23T20:53:55.906-05:00Irony, Musicals, and CheeseSo, my roommate and I tried out for the spring musical at our school. We are doing Radio Gals, which I don't know much about but it's apparently AWESOME. Anyway, the director just sent us both an email saying that he is stewing over us for the SAME PART. P.S. It's the lead role. He said since we are roommates and good friends he figured we would be talking it over and fretting all night, so he's thinking on it still and might call us in to audition again. JUST the two of us. Roommates. Good friends. Irony of ironies. Possibly the most ridiculously sitcomical thing that has EVER happened to me. It's hysterical...but I'm freaking out too. It's OK, because if she gets it I'll be super happy for her because she's really funny and has done a ton of theatre. And if I get it of course I'll be uber-excited for myself. She's really busy, so it would make me sad to see her do a half-hearted job because of all the stuff she's committed to, knowing I could commit more time to it. But she's also fantastic. So whatever. I'm good either way. God's and Mike's hands.<br />The "Cheese" in the title is just because I was eating cheese and needed three things in the title. Rule of Threes and all that jazz. Update on the cast list sitch later.Ashlee Lanehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06242462474308686708noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5552652531675930233.post-15567352341513160122010-02-22T18:22:00.005-05:002010-02-22T18:49:29.205-05:00Let's get something on this blog, shall we?So, you're always supposed to tell your audience what your purpose is. The fact that I have no audience is irrelevant, I have decided. But, to ask the question again, why on earth am I writing this blog?<br /><br />Well, a lot of things pop into my head throughout the day. I do not always have my computer with me, handy as a laptop may be, but hopefully when I have a spare moment (all too often these days) I can sit down and put some of those thoughts here.<br /><br />It would be helpful to know where I am in my life right now. I am a senior in college, ready to get the he...heck...out of here in May. I was engaged until October, when he decided he didn't want me anymore. I am still processing that, and every day shows me why it was the right decision on his part (not that I am so awful, but that we should not have gotten married), but I still have moments of bitterness, anger, and a lot of non-comprehension. He's been dating for a month now, and it is very difficult to wrap my mind around that. I don't want this to become a rant-blog (I'm almost 22--far too mature to do that...riiiiight), but as that is a part of where I am in life right now, I fear I shall not be able to keep myself from EVER ranting.<br /><br />What else do you need to know about me? My family consists of my parents, who are still together after almost 24 years, my married sister, her husband, my newborn niece, and a cat. That's the nuclear family, anyway. My dad is my savior in all things mechanical, tax-related, real-life-experience related, and in general any area of conflict I face. One of those conflicts is my mom. I love her so much, and usually like her a lot too, but we are sooooo similar, which causes a lot of tension. She has gotten on me about my weight since I was 13, she always pushed me to get straight A's so I could get into law school (a dream which used to be mine, and now is about 30-70, my dream-her dream). This quote from <u>My Sister's Keeper</u> really sums up how I feel about her:<br /><blockquote></blockquote><em><span style="color:#cc33cc;"></span></em><br /><em><span style="color:#cc33cc;">What I want, more than anything, is to turn back time a little. To become the kid I used to be, who believed everything my mother said was one hundred percent true and right without looking hard enough to see the hairline cracks.<br /></span></em><br />Actually, pretty much that whole book describes how I feel about my mom. It's really complicated, and I can't delve into it in just one post, so we'll leave it where it is for now.<br /><br />What else? Pretty much, I'm just in a limbo right now; not with anyone, not looking for anyone here at my school but really wanting to be with SOMEONE, so I'm biting my nails looking to that May graduation date. Even though I have no idea what I'm doing after that fateful Saturday. No prospects, no jobs, no law school acceptance letters, no wedding.<br /><br />Scary? Hell yes. (There's no way "heck" would have cut it on that one.)Ashlee Lanehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06242462474308686708noreply@blogger.com0