I apologize to all my die-hard fans that have been on the verge of suicide without an update from me for the past (few?) month(s). So sorry. I’ve been working about 50 hours a week making a pittance selling furniture to the cheapest people on earth. Nope, not Jews. Old Dutch people. No, seriously, those Holocaust survivors have nothing on Hollanders. They come in driving brand new Buicks but want me to cut them a deal on a $100 ottoman. I could make a fortune if my boss gave me $5 every time I ask someone how they’re doing and they tell me they’re “just looking.” One of my favorite lines (yes, that means this has happened more than once) is when they want me to show them the $88 mattresses and I tell them I wouldn’t put a dog on those, but show them anyway. They see it, feel the metal springs through the 1/8 inch thick padding and say, “Well, it’s just for my daughter. She’s only 8. It’ll be fine. And delivery’s free, right?” Really? If you’re going to buy this POS mattress for your kid and you DON’T want to spend as much on delivery as you did on that mattress, I think you can fold down the seats of your Escalade and just find a way to git ‘er done, you cheap son of a – Anyway. Even the Asian people know how to blow me off. When they’re not trying to get me to pay their sales tax, give them free delivery and throw in a couch for 20 bucks, they give me the same “just looking” as everyone else…except that they’re more like “just rooking”. Oh, sure, they just nod, smile and act like they don’t understand English when I explain to them that if I give more than $200 off a $500 chair I'll make about 27 cents, but they sure know “just rooking.” Is that the first thing they teach them in ESL class? After “free derivery?” and “no, is too much, we go Big Rots instead” of course.
This is shaping up to be a very racist post. First the Jews and now the Asians. Is there a major people group I have NOT offended? I’m sure I can fit them in here somewhere. Oh…yeah…I found them. I knew I was missing a large, dark part of the population. But I can’t. I’ll tell a short anecdote of someone ELSE’S un-PC-ness instead. (**Did anyone else say "PC-ness" out loud and hear "penis"? Was that just me? OK, yes, I'm a 12-year-old boy laughs when someone says "pianist"...anyway...) My boss this summer (not the cool young one but the ignorant older woman) was in a meeting with some very…diverse…members of the Fort Wayne community and kept saying “Afro-Americans.” My cool boss was mortified. He thought he was going to get shot. When he related it to me, of course I laughed heartily at his uncomfortable expense. Also, one of my co-workers asked me the last name of this black guy who works next door to us, and my friend Tom said he was pretty sure his last name was “Blackman. Brian D. Blackman.” AAAAND…she believed him. She probably would have called him Mr. Blackman if we hadn’t set her straight. (For any slow readers/auditory learners out there, say "Brian...D. Blackman" out loud...a few more times...you'll get it eventually.)
…And don’t get me started on the Mexicans!! Sorry, I had to. I actually have nothing bad to say about them. They might not be here legally, but they pay with cash and they don’t typically come back to complain. However, we have ONE Hispanic woman that works at our store, and I’ve tried not to stereotype and joke that every Hispanic person that comes through the door knows her, BUT THEY DO. Even if they don’t ask for her the second I greet them, I work with them for 5 minutes and they ALL—WITHOUT EXCEPTION—ask, “Does Maria work today?” I’d also make a ton of money if my bosses paid me $5 every time THAT happens.
Tom and I were the “lucky” ones who got to walk in the Holland Parade of Lights behind the store truck tonight, and I decided to make the most of it and pass out my business cards; I even did Tom a favor and wrote his name on them. But then TOM (who, by the way, typically has no qualms about making a fool out of himself) got really embarrassed when I went into the crowd and asked if anyone needed a mattress or a sofa!! It’s called networking!? I was singing along with the Christmas carols and dancing with Jingle Bell Rock, so clearly they would rather work with me than a creepy old man who watches them lie on a mattress for 20 minutes. If those people come back in with my card and I split half the deal with Tom, he’s not going to be so embarrassed, is he? Eh, he probably will be anyway. But he’ll still be spending that commission check, regardless of how embarrassed he was at the way I got them to come to the store, won’t he? How very “Tale of the Little Red Hen” of him…or…some other fable that accurately mirrors this real-life story.
In other news, this week is the busiest my social life has been in like…a month. Dinner with family tonight, out to the brewery wearing ugly Christmas sweaters with Tom and my new/his friend Katie tomorrow, date on Thursday, and maybe something Friday. Is this what normal extroverts feel like?
…And on Black Friday I had an Indian woman with curried B.O. coming from every pore.
Ah...bigotry mission accomplished. CBFF Christi would be so proud.
Update: I retract any and all statements that may have offended Asians, Dutch people, Mexicans, Africans, African-Americans (who I think actually go by "black" now?? not sure), and God's chosen people, the Jews. We all have tendencies and quirks that make us unique and set us apart from everyone else, but that does not mean that one race/people/creed is better than another, and until we break the cycle of hate and satirical "truth," we will never be truly ONE.
Update again: I retract my retraction. It's a freakin' humor blog. Get some thicker skin, ya PC Commies.