My bathroom routine tonight was just one thing after another reminding me that I had no business having a GPA as high as I did when I graduated. I wiped my face after I washed it and looked down at the towel and saw a little blood. Convinced I was bleeding out of my eye, I quickly wiped again and saw nothing. I thought I must have been wiping in the wrong part of my eye, because there was no other explanation for what I saw except that I was bleeding out of my eye. A-ha!! There was the blood again! I looked in the mirror (which, other than the fact that the probability of my eye bleeding is REALLY small, the small detail that I was seeing out of both my eyes should have alerted me to the error of my thinking), and then I remembered that I had just popped a pimple in the eye/bridge-of-nose region. And then I felt really dumb.
But wait, there’s more!
I was brushing my teeth when something else happened that makes the prospect that my teachers just felt really sorry for me because I tried so hard and thought I was so smart so they passed me a very real possibility. Background: I am blind. OK, I almost wrote, “Like, LEGIT blind” when I realized that’s not at all legit and I was going to give my (again, sarcastic number) millions of readers a very wrong picture of myself. I’m very very very nearsighted. This is more realistic but also less dramatic. However, this story will demonstrate 1) my utter stupidity and, 2) more informatively, the severity of my nearsightedness. I had already taken out my contacts and was brushing my teeth when I felt a hair on or near my mouth. Or possibly a wayward bristle poking me in the lip. I reached for it without looking in the mirror first, and got nothing. But I felt it again and tried to grab it again. Still nothing. Now I was getting irritated, so I went to look in the mirror to figure out what the crap this was. Again, very nearsighted person that I am, I have to get REALLY close to the mirror to see myself clearly. In the process of getting near enough to see the hair/bristle to pull it out of my mouth, I got too close and stabbed myself in the gum with my toothbrush, successfully making me feel like a mental patient who needs an orderly to brush their teeth for them and remind them not to swallow the paste or choke on the brush, since I forgot in a mere 2 seconds that I had a toothbrush sticking out at a 90⁰ angle from my mouth and getting close to a sheet of glass with my face might be a bad idea. This begs the obvious and unfathomable question: HOW AM I A COLLEGE GRADUATE? OK, that is actually not that difficult to accomplish, I guess. Lots of real idiots graduate from college. Better question: HOW DO THEY (the vague, inscrutable they) EXPECT ME TO BE AN ADULT??? I CAN’T BRUSH MY TEETH WITHOUT STABBING MY FACE!!! Figure that one out and you get a cookie. Unless I picked up a reader outside of a 10 miles radius from my current position, because I'm not mailing you ONE COOKIE. Buy yourself one and claim it's from the super cool blogger chick you "know" and then you'll be promoting me too. You get cookie; I get promotion. Everyone wins.